Incomplete Story of Tintin

THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY ARE ABSOLUTELY DYSFUNCTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLENCE OF THE PROTAGONIST AND HIS MERRY MEN TO ANY ANIMAL OR EXTRA TERRESTIAL CREATURE EITHER LIVING OR DEAD IS BUT NATURAL. IF READING THIS STORY RESULTS IN MENTAL IMBALANCE, THE WRITERS ARE ABSOLVED OF ALL BLAME. THE CONTENTS OF THIS STORY ARE OF ADULT NATURE AND HENCE UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN AND TEENS. IF YOU DO READ THIS MAIL, YOU ARE CERTIFYING THAT YOU ARE OF LEGAL ADULT AGE AND DOING SO AT YOUR OWN RISK.

A Sourabh – Ketan Presentation
Rated (PG-13)

Robin TomAss : Prince Of Beggars

After the tremendous Universal success of our last Production, Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai, we are back with our new feature and the first after coming to US. We are sorry for taking such a long sabbatical but were busy with studies and going out with blonde bombshells. The new story stars the notorious Tintin TomAss playing the role of Robin TomAss hugely inspired from the character that Kevin Costner played in the movie, Robin Hood : Prince of Thieves. We track the travails of Robin TomAss and his band of merry men in the legendary CompsWood Forest as they begged from the rich and gave to the poor.

Introduction :

Robin TomAss was a mallu stud whose origins could be traced to a small hamlet in the backwaters of the southern state of Kerala. A land endowed with great natural beauty, especially the blue lagoons and the equally exquisite beaches. However the story is based not in this surreal land but in a concrete Jungle Kingdom called CompsWood in the far away cosmopolitan mega polis known as Bombay. Tall, dark and innately handsome (I know its hard to believe … but we hope for Nitin’s sake that someone reading this might actually believe it), Robin TomAss was a man with great ideals. His entire life, he strived to do something for the welfare of the poor malnutritioned residents like cheapu langur and pom pom ponty amongst others of his beloved Jungle Kingdom.

Now Robin TomAss had considerable contacts in an underworld owned, Rangoon related company called I & BP (we guess I & BP … I = me = Robin TomAss and BP ... hmm ... I can only guess that it stood for Batata Pohe which was Robin TomAss’ favorite diet … I & BP outlined the considerable interest that TomAss had for Batata Pohe and the efforts that he had always taken to market this particular type of food … this honorable man took the responsibility of downloading the recipe for Batata Pohe on the computers of all his Jungle Kingdom residents especially Mister Wobin .. he stove so hard that he was nicknamed “despo” and for our desi audience “hawas” … however the two good guys Bhourabh and Shetan managed to deflect his efforts and did not store the recipe for Batata Pohe on their computers). I & BP had guest houses spread all over India, from the hot beaches of Goa to the icy whiteness of Shimla.

Robin TomAss was a brilliant thinker on the lines of Socrates and Pom Pom Ponty. But Robin did not think about philosophy like Socrates or about his career like Pom Pom Ponty, he was more practical. He thought about the welfare of the residents of his Jungle Kingdom in general and girls in particular. He was a person who could come up with the most innovative of code words and the most outlandish of plans and sell them to his followers in such a way that they seemed almost realistic. Being of modest nature, he always allowed his followers to take the credit for his plans and ideas. And he was generous to the extent that he allowed his followers to implement his plans.

Another thing that Robin TomAss excelled in, was paying his bills. He was very particular about them especially his electricity bill. Even when the entire Jungle Kingdom was off to a spectacular picnic at mARNALA, Robin refused to join them because of an outstanding bill. Such was his dedication. Which other person would have missed luscious white beaches (listen guys .. esp. those in America and Europe … I meant beaches and not bitches) and 4 hours of frolicking in a swimming pool with sprinklers and captivating music.

How could you ever write a story about Mister TomAss without mentioning his brilliance in all sports especially cricket (its something like baseball .. to my American friends). Robin TomAss was a master-blaster with his batting, and as far his bowling is concerned, his incisive spells were as much trouble for the scorers as for the batsmen who faced him. His tactic was simple, bore the batsman with 10 wide deliveries, drive him crazy with 2-3 No balls and then finally surprise him with a legal ball. The batsmen excited on seeing a ball that they could finally play usually misplaced their shot and hence missed taking his bowling apart. In spite of being such a restrictive bowler of legal deliveries, his wides cost the team both time and runs. So much so that the team captain usually got bored before TomAss could complete his over and would take him off the attack. As for his batting, Robin TomAss remains the only batsman in the world who has hit a six with his eyes shut. The only problem that he had while batting with his eyes open was that, he had a tendency of getting out first ball in the most innovative of fashions.
Well that’s enough background about the Protagonist of the story. Let’s get on with the story.

Story :

Robin TomAss had a towering personality and an easy going nature and made great friends with the boys of CompsWood including the cheapu and try and try till u succeed FLIRT Langur, the irrepressible and always single PJ master Paad, the 'Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai' sardar pom pom Ponty, the null pointer Bullu with his bulli, Bandru the kulla shaker, Emperor Rohit the Anaconda King, the settled tukku landlord Wobin and also the GOOD GUYS and natural SHINERS Bhow-rabh and Shetan. Robin TomAss was a genuinely nice guy and wanted to help his poor friends.

Soon he and his like-minded friends formed a gang called Robin and his bandars. Robin and his bandars never had any money in their pockets or at least they claimed they didn’t. And these poor guys, they could never help it, were always hungry. Whatever they ate went into a vacuum. They needed food to survive and for food they needed money. Robin TomAss their leader, was always the man with great ideas and plans. He suggested that they beg from the rich and feed the poor (themselves) with soda and Chinese vada-pav. The tactic was simple yet brilliant as was Tintin’s style. Robin TomAss and his henchmen prowled at the college campus for an unsuspecting victim, usually a junior with plenty of pocket money. Once they zoomed in on their victim, they would go in for the kill like an eagle. With seemingly innocent faces, they would approach the victim along the approach vector normal to the normal vector and ask him for a rupee so that they could make a phone call. They would add the most pitiable of excuses so much that by the time they were finished the victim had tears in his eyes. A day’s collection was more than sufficient to get them enough soda and Chinese vada-pavs to last them the entire day. Soon Robin TomAss became notorious as the Prince of Beggars.

The Gang :

1. Ponty was the master of making innocent faces and specialized in conveying his thoughts to the victim in silence.

2. Langur was like Little John in TomAss’ gang and please note that this characterization has nothing to do with the word Little in Little John. He was the not only the most flamboyant gang member but also the most voracious eater. Langur was always hungry be it food or anything else. His main weapon was however his persistence. Even when he was told “NO” he kept on trying till the victim decided it was better parting with his money than bearing with Langur. There was no doubt that he was the best in the gang because of his sheer consistency. He was even ready to fall down to the lowest levels to get what he wanted, even things like tying up their shoelaces. If TomAss came up with ideas, Langur was the one who actually implemented them. When TomAss came up with code words, Langur stress tested on them.

3. Mister Paad was the 4th main member of the Gang; he had only one weapon. He would crack one of his terrible PJs and would threaten to crack one more if the victim did not give him the money. These guys always got what they wanted. And life for them went on. Khao pio aish karo.

Kahani Mein Namkeen Twist :

Robin TomAss was a model and an excellent one at that. He had the grace of a marauding Rhinoceros and walked as elegantly and sensuously as a drunken elephant. His sensuous style had the girls in CompsWood swooning over him and the guys deep green with envy. He was the ultimate Gay pin-up fantasy behind only Wah-Mit the gay killer. Robin TomAss liked to be that way; in fact he liked to impress guys more. In Murud, on a guy’s only trip, Robin TomAss showed off his catwalk dressed in a titillating transparent towel, so short that it hid only his bare necessities from a group of embarrassed straight boys. He walked up and down the hall showing off his well-toned body smeared with layers and layers of Kerala’s original coconut oil amidst squeals of disgust and thuds of people fainting in horror. TomAss soldered on. He did however manage to impress a few local ‘happy and gay’ bystanders who recommended him to represent the Jungle Kingdom team in the Fashion show competition. It was at this competition that Robin TomAss met the one person that changed his life.

Now this fashion show was an yearly event called Nerve where all the neighboring kingdoms cum-peted against each other. Cum-peting against the CompsWood team was the ConstruShire team. Once TomAss who was tired of practicing decided to go have a cup of coffee (obvi sponsored by a poor victim). Along the way, he passed the GCR (Girls Common Room) where the ConstruShire team was practicing for the tournament. Robin TomAss couldn’t believe what he saw.

Walking the ramp was the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen in his life. His heart skipped a thousand beats. In fact it would have stopped beating had he not slammed against the door. Her beauty totally blew him away. Robin TomAss knew that nothing would ever be the same again in his life. He pondered about all the girls that had been in his life and realized that they didn’t match up to this gal. The ravishing puzzy maharaaz, the white as snow Shwetha, the talkative Tanan, the ferocious Jerry Hall, even his own Zulie and finally the girl that broke his heart the pretty 123-12. There were many more but he couldn’t recall them at that moment. They were all good but this one was the best. He knew he had to do something about this. And using his contacts in ConstruShire got to know more about the girl. He found out that her name was Unnu. But he had a problem, having been always unsuccessful with respects to girls, how should he approach Unnu along the approach vector without arousing suspicion of his noble intentions. To achieve this goal, he first befriended the sweet girls Pony and Tamu. Slowly and steadily, he along with his fellow bandars started hanging out with the ConstruShire group. And soon he managed to be buddies with Unnu. Finally in the Fashion Show cum-petition he walked with a vengeance, a walk that blew away all the cum-petition and finally managed to impress his queen of hearts Unnu.

And they happily lived ever after …… Well did you think it would end this way?

Kahani mein Twist - Villain ka Entry :

And TomAss had a bitter secret, a secret that he would never tell anyone. He had an evil twin brother called Bibek Sind. They were similar in many aspects. Bibek Sind stood for everything nitin was against. A man as evil as TomAss was good.


* This movie was left incomplete because we never got the time to complete it.

BE-3 Lingo

Well this mail has inspired me to come with our own lingo ... the lingo of BE-3. It's vocabulary rivals that of the Bombaiyya lingo. I'm proud to present some of the BE-3 Lingo.

Dedicated to all the Crazy BE3 Americans and lunatic guys in Bahrain

1) Gopi ->

a guy always surrounded by girls. Mythologically speaking, it doesn't make sense at all since the guy should be called kanhaiyya but what the heck, this is BE-3 in your face lingo. Totally original term hai.

Eg: Kuljit (former Gopi), Sourabh, Ketan

2) Gopa ->

the gender opposite of a gopi. a gopa is a girl constantly surrounded by guys. again an original term.

Eg: kanan (former queen gopa), swati (current gopa)

3) Kalti ->

is to leave someone high and dry waiting for you while you fun and frolic elsewhere. well this is not an original term but is frequently used to describe the behaviour of many a good friend (so-called) of ketan and sourabh.

Eg: Hum Lonavala mein chouda dost log ke liye chaar ghanta ruka, lekin woh log ne kalti diya aur mauj masti karke aaya.

Translation : We waited in Lonavala for our 14 friends for 4 hours but they left us high and dry as they indulged themselves in a waterfall.

4) AnnaConda ->

Again an original invention. This later led to the creation of Anaconda. Annaconda meant Mr. Menon who in the First Year seemed like a vicious South Indian Anaconda. And so nicked Anna-Conda. This days this term has disappeared into oblivion as Mucchad a lingo used for years has prevailed for Mr. Menon.

Eg: Run ... Anna-conda is coming.

5) Anaconda ->

Anaconda refers to a multi-purpose utility tool that the Emperor Rohit, Lord of the Land of Bananas uses. For further information on this please contact Rohit Kelapure or read the story me and ketan have written : Mohabbatein.

Note : Rohit please forgive me for using this term here. I had to mention this as it's one of the most commonly used lingos in our conversation. Please spare me.

Eg: No need for examples ... read the stories on Lagaan and Mohabbatein

6) Cheapu ->

Cheapu is a person who continuously makes vulgar references, cracks naughty jokes and remarks or behaves in a vulgar manner. This lingo was actually created to describe the behaviour of a certain individual langoor in the class who would stop at no lengths to prove he's the best. (or the worst) Initially limited to a few male monkey members of the class, this term now emphatically describes the behaviour of a majority of people of the class.

Eg: The 4 monkeys.

7) Despo ->

Despo is a guy/gal desperate for the opposite sex (in some cases it might be the same sex too) and would stop at no limits to get what he/she wants. Again a term specifically created to explain the behaviour of a certain individual bhand from comps.

Eg : Nitin

8) Shiner ->

A guy/gal who tries to impress (woo) the opposite sex for long durations of time ignoring friends of the same sex.

Actually shiners are now classified into 3 types
1) Successful Shiners
2) Unsuccessful Shiners (called Triers or at times Becharas)
3) Reclusive Shiners

This classification was made to divide the large number of shiners in the class according to their performance. Those who managed to impress the opposite sex were called as Successful Shiners while those who tried pathetically were referred to as Triers or Becharas. The third category was for those who tried to impress only a specific person or group of persons.

The Successful Shiners were the sauve, funny, charismatic, confident, cool shiners who had the opposite sex drooling over them Eg: Sourabh and Ketan

The Triers were the ones who made a fool out of themselves as they strived for creating an impression. Eg: Saad

The reclusive shiners were either successful or just triers. We shall not go into deep research for this type of shiners. Eg :
1 - Kaushik who shined for all the teachers.
2 - Laukik who shined only for Bairry.
3 - Hemen who shined only for someone we know.


9) Lagaan ->

Lagaan refers to a tax. In fact a very different kind of tax. It's quite similar to the entertainment tax that is levied on movies. Please refer to the features of Lagaan in the story Lagaan. Those who do not understand, contact any of the 4 bandars.

10) Java ->

Please refer to the features of Java in the story Mohabbatein. Again ... if you do not understand .. contact the 4 bandars.

11) Bhai urf Badaa Admi urf Shanaa ->

It was tagged on to poor Rohit Kelapure in the 2nd year. It's stuck on ever since. Rohit's greatest regret has been that even the girls have called him Bhai for 3 years. Bada admi stuck to him because of his decision to migrate to foreign lands. Shanaa too was for similar reasons.

Well I would like to dedicate this paragraph to a person who was derided, teased, humiliated, molested, tormented, suffered IN-OUT torture .... the list goes on. But he still managed to forgive us time and again. He laughed sportingly at all the jokes we cracked on him. But for him, life in Shah and Anchor would not have been the same. Thanks Rohit. We are really going to miss you out here.

12) Bobby Ji Ni Vaadi

Bobby's house in Santa Cruz was a place everybody loved to hang out. Vishu made it his home while the 4 monkeys satiated all their hunger(Bobby's fridge), desires (computer), passions (computer), greed (fridge raids), internet hours, thirst (Tang), phone (conversations with lopa, asmita etc) ..... Also a famous place for parties. Used by Chandru for tap-dancing.

We all miss his house very much. Bobby please come back .. we need your house.

13) Kt, Bunny, Sobby, Bobby, Harry, Swats, Monty, Kullu, Mamu .......

Nicknames created uniquely at BE comps referring to you know who all.

Eg: " Hail Bunny. "

14) Kovali ->

Kovali in true sense of the term means fresh. Taken from a marathi word. Used specifically for Amit because of a discussion that went on for 5 hours at Bobby Ji Ni Vaadi till the early hours of dawn. It refers to Amit.

15) Tutorials ->

A term used to describe the theorotical tuitons that Kt took for certain guys and I took for certain girls to make them more aware of the realities in life.

Well there are a lot of terms which have been used again and again. These are all the ones I could come up with. Hoping you like my mail. Replies are welcomed and expected. Please contribute with the terms that you recall.

- Compiled by Sourabh

Letter From VTECH ...

/* hey read this, satire on a guy from my class called rohit kelapure
written by who else but yours truly */

Hi Guys and Gals (especially gals)! U just have to read this. It is a must read!!!

This email was written by an SAKEC kid a month after he reached the US at the Virginia Polytechnic. Read on and get some reality-IN YOUR FACE.

Hi,

This is Rohit from VirginaTech - finally I got time to write about life here - u c, I'm 2 busy. Life here is cool, so are the babes. They are just waiting to come in your arms, even two at a time!

If u dream about such a life in US then WAKE UP! It's NOT like that, at least not here. I will attempt to give u some idea about life here along with some down to earth facts.

Let me apologize right now for writing such a looooooong mail. What could I do - When u'll come to know what I went thru I'm sure u will have to reconcile ur ideas about USA.

On leaving Sahar airport, I had something to eat for my dinner. I had a window seat but however hard I tried I just couldn't manage to open the window. So I had no benefit of the window seat.

However when I woke up - I was above clouds - it was a clear sunny daylight and I was about to land Frankfurt.

At Frankfurt: Our flight terminal was changed. So we had to run. Then they weighed my hand baggage - it appeared heavy so they put it on some belt. Then they weighed me and put me on the belt as well. I thought it was security check. I was waiting for them to lift me off the belt and give my handbag as well. Suddenly someone realised their mistake and let me off the belt. Thank god for that.

And they gave me a receipt - my handbag was sent to cargo! And it contained my immigration documents! I felt worried - what could I do?? And now no Indian food was available - so I was hungry for next flight, rather had only orange juice and coffee. Saw Erin Brokowich in flight. Julia Roberts looks hot in that movie. Wish they had shown Basic Instinct though.


ON LANDING:

When I went to immigration people, I told them the problem. They told me to wait. When everybody's stuff was processed, I had to deposit my passport there and a police came with me to retrieve the stuff. Then we had to go through customs and agriculture - they checked my foodstuff. I was worried they might take away my chocolate cakes that I had packed for eating in VirginiaTech. Luckily, nothing was seized.

WELCOME TO USA:

I had no one to pick me. Some of the first things I noticed was the cold, the cars, the roads and the american babes. Man they were hot.

ISA:

This is the VirginiaTech Indian Student Association. I was housed temporarily at one of their members' apartments. The guy who owned the apartment was quite good-looking. I had some cake and Pepsi.

APARTMENT:

The seniors told me that many people had arrived this year, so first I should book an apt. When I went to the office, they told me that my waitlist no. was 240! And they garunteed that I am not getting an apt. before spring.

Screwed! This is just the starting.......read on....


JOB:

There was already a huge rush of Indian and Chinese people.

So I went to bookstore & cafeteria - they have independent recruitment. Before I entered the bookstore, an Indian guy met me and told me that the bookstore manager is very angry on Indians with blonde hair. Same thing happened in cafeteria. They thought I was an American trying to fool them for jobs.

We dont have student ID's till then - so no internet access. But I managed to lay my hands on a comp at a seniour's apartment. I immediately sat down and typed a long letter for Asmita, I made 4-5 drafts before I wrote the perfect emotional mail. But when I logged on, I remembered that Asmita didn't have a computer at home. I cursed myself for my bad luck.

Meanwhile, i still continued to have pure jain food - that was the promise I had given to Kanan. Where I lived there were people cooking non-veg beside me.


THE JOBSEARCH CONTINUES.....

In our department, TA's are decided by a separate committee and thats something we cant help. So I moved to profs. for Research Assistantships. Again the same scene - they were so pissed off with ppl. like us that they put notices outside doors "Students, I do not have any RA positions. Still if u are interested, u can leave ur resume in the bin out there!"

MY STORY:

So this was the scene when I went to meet a prof called Ravi Prakash. He saw my resume and literally grilled me for half an hr. I still had trouble walking properly afterwords. Anyway he kept my resume and showed me the big pile of resumes in which mine was going to end up in.

Next day, while I was roaming around, still hopeless, he happened to mate me and asked whether I recieved his email - I didnt since in my last access, I had spent quite some time chatting with a female having a nick eeny weeny bikini. So I hadn't been in a mood to check my mails.

Anyway he told me that he would like to mate me at 3:30pm that day. It was already 2:30 then. He told me that I was one of the four ppl whom he is considering for RA.

It was a weekend that time and I spent 2 days cursing myself for losing a golden oppurtunity in a desperate situation. Suddenly, I banged (again literally) into Ravi Prakash and he told me to mate at 3:30 pm again for a bodystorming session.

When I went in sharp at 3:30, He told me : "So here is it, Rohit, I am giving you Research Assistantship for TWO Semesters". I still remember how I was smiling all alone all along the way back home and still limping.

Now for a new apartment. The seniors cannot be kind enough to keep 10 ppl like me in a 2 bedroom hall kitchen apt for 6 months especially when the other 9 of them turned out to be heterosexuals. But I managed to get a fantastic deal on a new apartment.

Then I had my i-card and my Computer logins and VirginaTech email ID. My new email is mailto:rkelapure@virgins.com

so that's it - those were the ups and downs in my briefs.

Enough to depress or excite u like anything.

Now I have moved in the new apt., the college has started and so is the RA work. Also 20 hrs a week is too less - I used to work 20 hours a day in Bombay - I realised that after starting to work - but no one pays u just like that!

Climate:

Its around 0 deg. right now. we can survive becoz all places (house, univ, car etc. ) have heaters in winter temp reaches -40 and there is snow all the times.

* no wonder this place is called virginia, it's too cold to do anything *


People:

VirginiaTech grad population can be divided as:
50% Indians ( desi - i hate them )
40% Chinese ( chinese are ok - i like their eyes )
10% American & other internationals

* i just love the american chicks maan *

American girls are generally sexy and helpful. It is normal to have casual sex when we happen to meet them while going around - even if we dont know them.

But thats not for all - i hate the african americans babes.

Wishing you best of luck in your endavours,

ROHIT KELAPURE

Bhai Kelapure
Research Assistant, Department of Computer Science,
Virginia Tech,
Virginia 75083.

INDIA'S MOST WANTED : BHAI

To The Citizens Of India,

Attached below is the photo just released by Interpol. This criminal was found stealing important "data" from one of the biggest software firms in India, TCS (Tata Consultancy Services). He is on the loose and very very dangerous. The goverment of India has announced a prize of a 3 days 4 nights all sponsored trip to Andaman and Nicobar islands on his head.

The fugitive's name is "Rohit Dilip Kelapure" alias "Bhai". The Interpol managed to lay it's hands on an old photo taken in Ooty. However according to sources he hasn't changed much since the photo was taken.

According to the TCS-CEO, "bhai" had been working at TCS as a part time employee for his final year project. On 29th March 2001, "bhai" stole an important source code file from the TCS server and managed to send it to his own email address before being captured red-handed. Everyone at TCS have been tight-lipped about the contents of the file stolen. One employee remaning anonymous said that more than the breach in security they were taken aback by the breach of trust on the part of "bhai".

Red Alerts have been sounded throughout the world but sources maintain that the culprit hasn't left the country yet. He is however planning to migrate to the United States. US officials have beefed up the security at the American Consulate and also at all their International Airports.

If anyone has any knowledge of "bhai" please report immediately to 22222222 and say "bhai - chor hai".

Together we can and we will make a difference.

Thanking you in Anticipation

Inspector Sourabh
(Scotland Yard)

Havaldar Ketan
(Mumbai Police)

Heads of Interpol team assigned to tracing the whereabouts of Mr. Rohit
Dilip
Kelapure.
04/04/2001

Tale of a B(l)onded Slave

Hey All

This is the story of a dude who managed to forget all his friends. Please do not ever do to your friends what he did to his. I "REPEAT" do not ever attempt this or you will end up losing all your friends. The story goes as follows.

Once upon a time there was a person called BHAI (not his real name) who was of a loving nature, friendly, treated everyone equally (no gender bias), no airs about him and the list of his good qualities goes on and on. He had a group of very "good" friends. He was about to do a project with Sourabh, Laukik, Amit (all are real names) but then suddenly things changed, he came under the spell of a wicked company(I dont know how) called TCS (The Company of Slaves) and from then he parted away from his project mates and all his friends who considered him as their life (blond bomshell :-)).

From then onwards things never remained the same. He started to bunk college regularly, started acting like a despo, stopped talking to his buddies (except the feminine versions) and in addition to the above was his GRE score (2320) which made his ego inflate like a balloon. He had an air of superiority around him and began to treat his friends (not the girls) like ants that he could stomp upon. But even after all this his friends remained loyal to him. Not for once did they think anything bad about him. Whenever they would hang out or make a plan they would BEG him to accompany them but instead of "accompaning" them he went to the "company". There, they taught him to forget his friends, was also chained to the computer and had to work his ass out (but i guess he loved it there). Never did he complain about his company (TCS) not even to his friends. What a kind soul !).

Even after all this his "friends" did not forget him. He is indeed lucky to have such "GOOD FRIENDS".

One day it so happened that all his classmates decided to go to Arnala beach. The moment his friends asked him to cum along, he said "YES". His friends were happy (but he had said 'yes' for a different reason -> it was for the girls ... beach and girls = yes for him). This was probably because the spell of TCS was fading or maybe for Bhai, girls had a higher priority than TCS (Also worth mentioning is that for him, the priority for his friends (boys) was the least.)

But he has to realize that for him TIME is running out and his friends wont be around him forever (but over him :-)). Either way, he will always have a special place in the hearts of his friends. This is the end of the unending story.

Well Comps ke dost log, if anyone liked this story, please drop a mail for rkelapure (His real name hasnt been disclosed yet:-)) and ask him to change for the good and "to cum of age".

FRIENDSHIP CAN NEVER BE VALUED BUT CAN BE TREASURED FOR A LIFETIME.


p.s -> BHAI dil pe mat le yaar.



Compiled by Ketan

Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai

DISCLAIMER :

ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY ARE FICTIONAL AND SOME DYSFUNCTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLENCE OF THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS STORY TO ANY ANIMAL OR EXTRA TERRESTIAL CREATURE EITHER LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND TOTALLY UNINTENTIONAL. ANY VIEWS OR OPINIONS PRESENTED IN THIS STORY ARE SOLELY THOSE OF THE AUTHORS AND THEY ACCEPT NO LIABILITIES IN CASE OF ANY DAMAGE TO EGO OR REPUTATION OF THE PROTAGONIST. THIS STORY IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND IS INTENDED ONLY FOR THE MEMBERS OF THIS EGROUP. IF YOU ARE NOT THE NAMED ADDRESSEE, YOU SHOULD NOT DISSEMINATE, DISTRIBUTE OR COPY THIS STORY. THIS WOULD BE TREATED AS COPYLEFT INFRINGEMENT AND A PARTY WOULD BE TAKEN FROM YOU FOR LIBEL DAMAGES.


THE PROTAGONIST - POM POM PONTY - TUSSHAR KAPOOR

Once upon a time in the magical village of Irla lived a big little kid called Ponty. Ponty was a Punjab da Sher and was often referred to as "Sher Singh". Ponty was enormously built and looked fearsome but in his heart he was still a small kid. All his close friends knew that he was a sheep in a lion's clothing. Ponty often seemed like a quiet person immersed in his own thoughts. It has been proven scientifically that Ponty has spent 2/3 rd of his life thinking. In such moments of mental solitude, Ponty has a mysterious smile on his face and enigmatic facial expressions. His closest friends too had no idea what Ponty thought about all the time. His deeply engrossed thinking had fooled many a people into believing that Ponty was a philosopher or a young scientist on the brink of a major discovery. Even his good friends from former BE-3 were fooled by this "thinking" sardar. (such irony) However after years of friendship with Ponty it was widely accepted by his friends, that Ponty was busy thinking about all the jokes that he had heard throughout his life and a sudden burst of laughter meant that he had finally understood a joke that was cracked months or even years ago. Ponty, they thought had a built in Delay Flip Flop, which had a delay almost equivalent to the time it took for the earth to revolve around the sun a number of times.

But the fearsome Sardar Ponty it seemed was not as foolish as he looked. While other people were busy cracking jokes (that Ponty could never understand) and laughing, Ponty was busy contemplating about his life and all the important aspects of life. He thought about his future, his present and even his past. He thought about love, about lost causes, about friendships .... even about studies. This was one man who thought about the entire Universe and above all his CAREER.

One more of his remarkable qualities was that he could come up with the most amazing of ideas in the most unlikely of situations.

1) In our previous story titled "Tungarlee Waterfall Project", we have illustrated how Ponty took all his friends for a ride in search of an elusive waterfall that never existed.

2) Also his insistence on his choice of dinner had burnt a hole in the pockets of his good friends which included the irrepressible cheapu Langur, the pathetic PJ master Paad, the "tukku" landlord Wobin, the new shiner Love-Kick Chutney and the two good guys Shetan and Bhow-rabh.

Ponty had a big heart and an equally shrewd brain. This intelligent Sardar decided to postpone his higher studies. Would any normal person of average intelligence give up an admit from a respectable University in America !!!! This was highly preposterous, in fact bordering on the ridiculous. Only GOD knows, why Ponty did that. Was it his job with Chatni Computers.... or was it something else !!!! (We wonder) Anyway this will always remain a mystery for us that only Ponty's mind (knees, I should say) can unravel.

Ponty was a giant among men and had a protruding belly. He could breathe fire and his voice was like the roar of a hungry lion that put fear among even the bravest of men. He could bamboozle even the smartest and the strongest of his fellow beings with his brand of questions and the most notorious of all his queries, "Q - kyooooooooon" ("why" translated to English for the sophisticated NRIs). Ponty's PJs are legendary (thought not in the same league as the PJ Master Paad) and his ability to belly laugh at his own jokes (at least he refers to them as jokes) is just mind-boggling. But Ponty is a coward at heart. He fears the world in general and girls in particular. On encountering a girl his tongue gets stuck up somewhere in his mouth and he starts to tremble and flutter like the leaves of a tree in a strong wind. After years of practicing, nowadays he manages to say "Hi" to quite a few number of girls. However this mighty Sher says it so softly that even his ears have difficulty in picking up. That's what you call as "saving energy" !

Legends have it that once Ponty sets his eyes on something, he will strive hard to get it. His patience is praiseworthy. Even a crocodile will get frustrated seeing the amount of patience that he has. In fact at the end, patience is the only thing that he is left with !!!! There are number of examples which we can give on this but we feel that it is unethical on our part, to divulge into the personal lives of people. That is why we are very well respected all around. Well we could go on and on about Ponty, in fact we could write a 1000 page Biography on him. But the time is short and hence it is not possible for us to write all his characteristics. So back to our story.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTRY OF BHALOO

We can't really recollect the time when this incident occurred, but we think it was somewhere in the Third Year of Engineering. Ponty was rushing down the steps on his way to the canteen to bully some poor unsuspecting victim into sponsoring his lunch. Just as he turned the corner on First Floor, Ponty laid his eyes on the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen in his life. Ponty stopped dead in his tracks. His mind went blank (or analogously, his knees went numb) as he kept staring at this lovely girl. He flushed and blushed. Her pulchritude was beyond compare and Ponty's heart skipped a thousand beats. He was so mesmerized by her that he did not even realize that he was blocking her path.

Excuse Me ... The words came to him like the mellifluous sounds of a flute or like the scintillating sound of the santoor reverberating through a lush green valley. Ponty was lost in his dream world.

Excuse MEE ... There was that sonorous voice again. Suddenly Ponty realized that the words were directed towards him. His dreams shattered, he came crashing down into reality. Ponty moved aside mumbling something incoherently (we guess that it was “Q”). As she breezed past him Ponty realized that he had finally met the girl of his dreams.

Later with the help of his common friends Ponty got to know the name of the girl. She was Bhalguni referred to, by her friends as Bhaloo. Ponty was besotted with her .. he could not get her out of his mind. Actually speaking Ponty was clean-bowled ! Ironically he doesn't know how to bat. Ponty is just an ineffective spinner (as Boycott says - Lollypop Bowler) but whenever Ponty sees her on the ground he bowls as if he is the "Irla-Express" (at times even faster than the Rawalpindi Express). The speed at which he bowls is astounding; the ball burns due to the friction with the atmosphere. He does all this to impress her.

As we mentioned above, Ponty gets tongue tied when it comes to talking with the opposite sex. But Bhalguni was Ponty's dream girl, and in front of her, however hard he tried, Ponty couldn't utter a single word. He stammered and stuttered, bellowed and screamed but nothing seemed to cum out of his mouth. That made him furious with rage. He realized that this wasn't the way to charm her. In fact her impression of him had slipped down to abysmal levels. Ponty knew he had to do something to gain her attention. And he decided, histrionics was the only way out. We already mentioned about the Irla Express, Ponty tried to be a part of the Fashion Show competition, he danced wildly at festivals, cracked more inane jokes, laughed louder and maybe even postponed his decision to go to America ( We still wonder ). He also managed to get some tips from a notorious Casanova-cum-flirt and big-time kulti-king, Sir Langur. He did all this just to impress her. He did manage to improve his image somewhat but his achievement was comparable to a small drop of water in the entire Indian Ocean. (Siddhuism). However being terrified of females, Ponty still didn't have the courage to open his mouth. It wasn't as if Ponty didn't try, he tried his heart out. Every time he tried to tell her the words just didn't come out of his mouth.

In sheer frustration he started to sing

"kya kare kya na kare yeh kaisi mushkil haay…koi to bataa de is ka hal o mere bhai … ki ek taraf to us se pyaar kare hum ... aur us ko hii yeh kahane se Dare hum ...

kya kare kya na kare yeh kaisi mushkil haay…. koi to bataa de is ka hal o mere bhai….. ki ek taraf to us se pyaar kare hum ... aur us ko hii yeh kahane se Dare hum ...

roz roz hum sochta yehi … aaj hum ko woh agar mil jaae kahi … to aisa bolega (saala) vaisa bolega … khula-khula us pe dil ka raaz hum kholega … woh saamne chamaktii hai saans hii atakti hai … aur yeh zabaan jaatii hai phisal ...

kya kare kya na kare yeh kaisi mushkil haay !!!!."


This goes on and on. On her birthday Ponty tried to call her up. He had decided that this was it, it was now or never. When Bhaloo picked up the phone, Ponty screamed : "Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai ….. ". Bhaloo : "Kya?"

Ponty had practiced for this moment a thousand times, he wanted to say those three magical words, but nothing seemed to cum out of mouth. There was a deafening silence as the whole world came to a standstill. For 5 minutes Ponty couldn't say anything. On the other end, Bhaloo waited patiently for Sher Singh. Ponty, however couldn’t gather up the courage to speak out his mind (knees to be precise !!). Finally after what seemed like ages, Ponty just whispered an anti-climactic "Happy birthday".

At the end, Ponty hung up the phone and went back to his thinking process. (We are indeed privileged to have with us this intellectual of such a high quality among us) He was dejected, he had failed again to speak out his heart. Now his motto seemed just like the spider (and to some extent Mr. Paad) : “Try and try till you succeed !”. Way to go buddy (y).

Ponty should be thankful to his dear male friends of BE comps (former) for always being with him when he has needed them. They have tried everything to get things to work out for him but unless Mr. Ponty makes some useful efforts on his part, there's no scope for any improvement. He should realize that time is running out and “Pehle Aap, pehle aap main gaadi nikal jayeegi” He shouldn’t wait for things to happen but make things happen. This is all the advice we can offer. May the force be with you, Ponty.

We being writers of Fiction have taken the liberty of predicting what would happen in the future. Here is what we think will happen.

KAHANI KA CLIMAX …

APPROXIMATELY 2 MONTHS FROM NOW………

DATE : 13TH MARCH 2002…….
LOCATION : Tukku Ji Ni Vaadi ( urf Bobby Ji Ni Vaadi )
TIME : 9:00 am.

SCENE:

It's a quiet pleasant morning. All the free souls of BE comps and a soul from construction dept. are blissfully sleeping without a worry in this world.

The serenity of the morning is disturbed when all of a sudden, the phone rings…… RING! RING!.

Wobin, the LandLord of the Vaadi is woken up from his deep slumber and picks up the phone.

Wobin : "Hello"

Caller : "Ponty chhe?" (a Gujrati line for : "Is Ponty there")

A sleepy Wobin was surprised to hear a feminine voice asking for Ponty. In his 4 years of association with Ponty, this had happened only once. Well that time it had turned out to be Ponty's mom. So Wobin assumed that it was Ponty’s mom trying to speak in Gujrati and shook the sleeping tiger. The tiger woke up giving a terrifying roar, which was measured at 4.20 on the Richter scale. He hated to be disturbed from his sleep. However after having splashed water on his face to get rid of his sleep, he picked up the phone and in his usual style said (assuming the caller to be his mom) "Kya Hai" very arrogantly. But little did he know, it was not his mom. It was his dream girl Bhaloo.

Bhaloo : "Mujhe Kuch kehna hai"

But by reflex action he queried “Q Kyooooooooon ?”.

He soon realized that he was making a fool of himself. (Rather he was making a Ponty of himself) After gathering a little courage and his usual thinking, he said : "Kya Kehna Hai ?".

Ponty was suddenly excited. He thought that the moment he had been waiting for all his life had finally arrived. He had seen the movie Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hai a thousand times and in that movie, in the climax, the heroine finally says the 3 magical words. Ponty thought this was it. Ideas begun to rain down on his mind in torrents.

So what did Bhaloo finally say to him. Did she finally tell Ponty what he had been waiting for his life. Was this the climax we have all been waiting for? To find what Bhaloo said to him, please scroll downwards.














Hold on to your seatbelts folks, you are in for the ride of your lives. Go on.













Still waiting for the climax ... go ahead ... and find out for yourselves.














The suspense is building isn't it ? Heart patients better stop reading. Others scroll down further.














Are you still with us ? Well your patience is astounding. Hats off to you. Go further down.














Anyway the person who guesses the suspense gets a free dinner at Subbalakshmi sponsored by none other than Mohinder Chopra.














Hee hee .. The tension is building. Go down scroll further.














You might have plans for bashing us up right ? But go on ahead .. the climax will cool you down.














You are still here ? Your patience amazes me. Go on .. you are almost there.














Ok well, that's enough of suspense for you people. Well what did Bhaloo say…..














BHALOO SAID …………. I MEAN BHALOO TOLD PONTY THAT ………… RATHER BHALOO TOLD PONTY ON THE PHONE ……… ACTUALLY BHALOO TOLD PONTY ON THE PHONE …….. (hmm) SHE SAID …… (he he) HAPPY BIRTHDAY PONTY ….


Ponty was crestfallen, his hopes shattered and his dreams destroyed. He had no other option but to mumble a Thank You and hung up the phone dejectedly.

THE END.

(Well we admit that this turned out to be an anti-climax but this is the best we can hope for our dear friend Mr. Ponty)

ps. (before we leave) - We would like to dedicated a song to Pom Pom Ponty. It is from the film ' Dil to pagal hai '.

And it goes “Kab tak chup baaythe ho…aab to kuch hai boolna!"

Thank you for bearing with us. This is all we have to say. And Ponty, Dil Pe Mat Le Yaar. Any comments, whether appreciation or criticism are kindly welcomed.



- Compiled and Edited by Sourabh & Ketan.

LAGAAN - The Match

Dear Americans, fellow dirty Indians and a lone crusader from Bahrain,

The D-Day was closing in just like the cloud formations at Tungarlee. The armies were marching in, the forces were gathering and war was about to commence. A force more powerful than any ,the world has ever known was about to be unleashed by the two people who knew better. Yes we are taking about Captain Langur The Cheapu & Emperor Rohit The Anaconda King urf Bhai The Betaaj Badshah. The Land Of Bananas was filled with excitement as their team was marching towards the battle-ground. (analogous to the basketball court in Shah and Anchor grounds). The villagers marched towards the ground shouting slogans such as " We will , We Will Rock You ... We will, We Will F*** You , You and your *ocks ".

By now you must be knowing what Paad the PJ Master would have said about Analogous.

The village wore a festive mood as villagers and blond bombshells poured in from neighbouring villages in large numbers. The clock systems went for a toss as the minute hand started cum-peting with the second hand. (think straight you filthy cheapus Indians and more so for Americans). There was total dis-orientattion. The entire ground was over-flowing with colorful villagers just like the Bhushy Dam as they thronged along to support their home team. Most of the Barbarians in apprehension of the big match (Captain Langur being a major exception) "spanked their monkeys" urf "unplugged the dolphin" urf "wonked their wonkies" urf "strengthened their respective hands". Everyone had their own unique styles. (Please refer to the movie THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MARY to understand the above jargons.)

THE TOSS :

Both Bheja-puri and Captain Langur walked out to the cricket field for a toss. As Anaconda King tossed way up in the air (we meant the coin you cheapus --> sudhar jao), Captain Langur saw an opening and swiftly went in for his famous and copy-left Out-Out trick. This caught Anaconda King off-gaurd as he wasn't wearing his leg-gaurd and his got displaced along the sliding vector. The coin slipped out of his hand and Langur won the toss. With his trademark irritating grin Captain Langur declared that his team will make first use of the pitch. Captain Langur was delighted since he knew that batting second on this pitch was next to impossible. And he always preferred batting first on any type of a pitch unlike his second in command Lieutenant Tintin The Terrible who always was of the opinion that 'playing the last innings was his forte'.

As the crowds awaited the match to start The Anaconda King and his merry men prayed one last time before marching on to the field ready for the final assault and to reverse all the insults that had been bestowed upon them by this barbarians. Undeterred by the humiliation by way of the displacement he suffered, Anaconda King made his so called "setting" or "adjustment". He was a now a man on a mission. For him nothing seemed impossible. And victory was a must against these cheapu barbarians.

THE TEAMS :

Banana Team : ( batting order )

1. Anaconda King- Bhuvan ( captain & all- rounder )
2. Funali - lakha ( bastman )
3. Jerry - Bagha ( batsman )
4. Shetan - Ismail ( batsman )
5. Gwati - Arjan ( batsman )
6. Mona Darling - Ishwar ( wicket-keeper )
7. Genie - Deva ( all rounder )
8. Nunki - Bhura ( bowler )
9. Bini - Guran ( bowler )
10. Bhow-rabh - Goli ( fast bowler )
11. Paad - kachra ( spin bowler )


Barbarian Team : ( batting order )

1. Captain Langur the Cheapu ( batsman )
2. Sepoy Kulal Machmach ( batsman )
3. Corporal Wah-mit Bhow-kulle ( batsman )
4. Sepoy Wobin ( all rounder )
5. Sepoy Harsole Saah ( all rounder )
6. Lieutenant Pom Pom Ponty ( wicketkeeper )
7. Sepoy Bandru Shaker ( fast - bowler )
8. Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi ( null pointer bowler )
9. Corporal Tanan Bandit ( spin - bowler )
10. Sepoy Cow-Shit Mamu ( slow bowler )
11. Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible ( batsman )

Lieitenant Tintin, though in the team as a specialist batsman was always sent last for batting. the reasons are obvious ...


THE MATCH :

Day 1 ....

Anaconda King opened his bowling attack with the fearsome but quiet bowler Genie Patel urf Deva. Genie Patel was an "NRV" i.e A None Resident Villager. She came from a village called Mary-Gaon. On the other hand Captian Langur was supremely confident of victory and so sent his worst batsman Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible to open the batting along with the regular opener Sepoy Kulal Machmach. Tintin the Terrible took strike .. he wanted the off-stump gaurd but the umpire kept on telling him that he was making a mistake .. so Tintin asked for a middle stump gaurd .. again the umpire affirmed that he was making a mistake .. Tintin then asked for a leg-stump gaurd .. again the umpire told him he was making a mistake. Now Tintin shouted at the umpire for being incompetant and asked what the mistake was ? The Umpire told him that he had to take gaurd in front of the stumps and not behind them.

Just as Genie was about to bowl, Terrible Tintin went on to his backfoot and hit the wickets with his bat. All the villagers found it to be hilarious and were rolling on their stomachs laughing .. clutching their stomachs. Terrible Tintin was humiliated as usual and for the first time in the history of the game someone was out before even facing a ball. At least till date Tintin used to get out first ball .. this time he got out before facing one.

Then there was a momentary silence as the unconquerable Langur came to the wicket. He was by far the best batsman in the world. He was a class act. Sheer elegance marked his batting and started flaying the attack. He not only smashed them all over the ground but frustrated them to no limits with his laughter. Meanwhile Kulal Machmach also managed to find his touch and was playing very sensibly. But while hitting a boundary he just glanced at the pavilion and saw Liuetenant Tintin and Corporal Tanan sitting beside each other and conversing. Kulal was instantly jealous and in a sudden rush of blood tried to smash a yorker from Genie out of the ground. He missed completely and was comprehensively bowled. The score now read 50 runs for 2 wickets with Langur batting unbeaten on 37. Corporal Wah-Mit walked in with his bat carrying it like a gladiator brandishing his sword or a cowboy aiming a half-sawed shotgun. He was famous for his fearsome batting. He joined the party and started assaulting the bowling attack of the banana king. There wasn't a shot he could not play and even overtook the irrepressible hitting the fastest 50 ever recorded in history. Soon the score was 115 for 2.

The Anaconda King then decided to make his first bowling change and introduced a variation. He brought on the spinning sensation Kachra - Mister paad with the unique "frog in the blender action". He would, at the start of his run-up jiggle his butt for approximately a minute and this would impart enough spin on the ball like a top to actually let it rip at right angles bamboozling the batsmen.

But the Anaconda King did not know that the pitch was a non-turner on the first day. Its hard to spin a new ball on the first day. Spinners should always be brought on with the old ball. So the Bechara and unsuccesful Kachra was spanked to all parts of the ground by both the prolific Langur and the swatch-buckling Wah-mit. Soon the score read 192 for 2 with Wah-mit on the verge of a century and Langur having just crossed his half-century.

Anaconda King had to replace him and brought on the ever dependable Goli - Bhow-rabh with an unusual but effective action. He immediately got the break-through having Wah-Mit caught behind. Not only Wah-Mit he also got the next two wickets in succession thus achieving the first hat-trick ever in the Land Of Bananas. Both Sepoy Wobin and Sepoy Har-sole were back in the pavilion with their egos deflated by this awesome bowler. No one could play him. Even the current Indian team needs bowlers like him !!! His secret behind his bowling abilites was that he could swing the ball either way, and also was the master of the reverse swing. He was such a born shiner that his shining abilities were often transeferred onto the ball which made it swing and seem at seemingly impossible angles.

score : 200 for 5 wickets

But for how long could he bowl?? He soon got tired and then the cheapus cashed in. Captain Langur who was still out there with the help of Lieutenant Ponty the wicket-keeper batsman played brilliantly to end the days play with the Barbarian team comfortable placed on 290 for 5 wickets with Captain Langur having compiled yet another ton. The day went miserably for the home team.

Meanwhile Lakha - Funali had fielded miserably all day as per her deal with Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi. Even that evening while the villagers were contemplating the day's play Fun-Ali was on a jaunt to visit Sepoy Bullu and to chalk out ther plan of action for the next day. Actually the villagers were trying to relieve their misery by watching 'Mohabbatein' at Basant Theatre at the stalls. Fun-Ali, while no one was looking quickly slipped out of the stalls and went up to the balconey to meet Sepoy Bullu. Hiding in the balconey they decided to continue their betrayal plans. This time they decided that Fun-ali will hide the ball in her hair while fielding and let the Barbarians run twice as much while everybody was busy searching for the ball.

However they did not know that Ass-Mita was sitting in the balconey too and had seen them together. She went to the stalls and warned the Bananas about this disgusting betrayal. The Anaconda King and his merry men were shocked. When Fun-ali returned to the village after the movie was over .. she was quizzed by Anaconda King. Terrified of the King and his Anaconda .. Funali confessed everything. She felt terribly guilty at having betrayed everyone and promised to the King that she will never do it again. The King & his Anaconda were deeply moved by her guilty conscience and the fact that her 'Love' for Bullu had made her a traitor. He forgave her on behalf of the villagers. Such was his forgiving nature.

Day 2 ...

The bananas came back to the field on the next day with resolve and determination. They had decided to get over their disappointments of the first day. Captain Langur and Lieutenant Ponty marched on to the crease arrogantly. They started off from where they had left the day before and continued playing the Banana Bowlers well. However the Banana bowlers were bowling with a great line and length troubling both the batsman. They were still unable to get wickets. Soon it was lunch and the score stood at 380 for 5. Anaconda King was confused. What could he do next ? Suddenly he had a brain wave. He decided to change the field setting and bring in new bowlers. He sent Bini - Guran to the boundary and brought in Nun-ki - Bhura as a bowler. Nun-ki too had a strange style of bowling. She made sure each time that her hair wasn't spoilt throughout the run-up and delivary. While observing this strange ritual .. the batsman often got distracted by her long cascading hair and would be caught off-gaurd. Ponty had just managed to negotiate 5 balls when he decided to show off his batting prowess. He smashed the next ball way over Nun-ki's head and everyone was sure it would go for a boundary when suddenly there was strange sound as if a vacuum cleaner was turned on. Bini's habit of inhaling air with a deep breath had made the ball deviate from it's projectile motion and go straight into the hands of bini standing at the boundary. Ponty was out.

score : 395 for 6.

Suddenly the bananas were fired up. Bini was saving everything at the boundary. Fun-ali was using her hair to stop the ball going over her head. Emperor Rohit himself used the Anaconda at this disposal to totally stop runs being scored. Runs had totally dried up for the Barbarians. Cheapu Langur was often left stranded as Sepoy Bandru could not manage to score. However they managed to occupy the crease without scoring anything. Anaconda King knew that time was running out as they would not have enough overs to chase the target. With just 5 overs for Tea, he brought on Mister Paad - Kachra.

score : 420 for 6.

First ball that Paad bowled, it was pitched outside leg-stump, turned a full 90 degrees and just crashed into the Sepoy Bandru's off-stump. He was left bewildered with his mouth open. As the villagers celebrated he walked back to the pavilion still in shock. Sepoy Bullu walked in and did not last for long as he was caught behind by the wicket-keeper Mona Darling - Ishwarkaka playing an absolutely deplorable shot.

score : 420 for 8

2 balls later Corporal Tanan was incidentally caught at 'Silly Point' by Fun-Ali and the Barbarians were reduced to 420 for 9. Sepoy Mamu managed to face the last ball and survive. Cheapu Langur now knew that he had to score of the other bowler since playing Paad was not possible. Facing the first ball of new bowler Bini, he tried to hit the over-pitched delivary for a 6 but mishit it way into the air. Anaconda King rushed after the ball and using his famous RPC (remote procedure call) managed to pluck it out of thin air. The Barbarian innings had come to an end with them having scored 420 all out. Such a fitting number for such a cheapu team.


Banana Innings :

Now it was time for the Bananas to bat. Out strode Fun-ali and the Anaconda King himself. Fun-Ali was determined to play well and make up for her betrayal but the silent assassin Bandru was about to bowl. Both Fun-Ali and the Anaconda King faced him comfortably. The Anaconda King is one unique player, he never uses a bat. He was elegance personified and could stroke the ball with such splendid touch that it had the spectators applauding every single shot. Fun-Ali herself was holding up the other end. They pulled up the total to 50 for no loss playing Bandru and Wobin quite comfortably. Soon there was a bowling change and Sepoy Bullu was brought on. He was a null pointer bowler. Fun-Ali was bamboozled by a terrific delivary and was clean bowled. In walked Jerry Hall - Bagha and she just went off after Bullu and hit him for 24 runs in a single over. Jerry was in fine touch and she hit the ball with raw power and soon the score was 111 for 1. The shrewd Langur took a calculated risk and brought on the slow bowler Sepoy mamu. Sepoy mamu bowled such a slow delivary that Jerry got bored waiting for it to come, she went to the pavilion, took a shower, changed her clothes, took a small nap and came back to the field to smash the ball over the boundary. Ther next ball was even slower .. this time when she went for a nap, the alarm clock didn't work and by the time she woke and came back, she was stumped by the sledging wicket-keeper Ponty.

score : 117 for 2

Day 3 :

Next came in the angry woman Gwati - Arjan. She too was a hard-hitting batsman and started to massacre the slow bowling of Mamu and the null pointer bowling of Bullu. Langur now brought back the Silent Assasin Bandru. He strode in full speed and threw a vicious delivary at Gwati right into her face. It caught her off-gaurd and she screamed I swwwwwear as she tried to save her head. The ball hit the handle of her bat and flew straight to wicket-keeper Potny. ( Kyooooooon ?? ). Now the Bananas seemed in trouble as Shetan - Ismail walked in to the crease.

score : 179 for 3

Meanwhile Anaconda King was in great form. He often just caressed the ball to the boundary. It was an innings of high class from him. Shetan the technically flawless batsman joined the run chase and had a great partnership going with his King. Runs flowed off their bat as they took runs off virtually every bowler and delivary. Bandru, Wobin, Mamu and Bullu had no answer to their onslaught. As the last option, Langur brought on Corporal Tanan. She was hit out of the attack by the marauding Anaconda King and his technically perfect partner Shetan. Runs flowed like Champaigne as Anaconda King completed an excellent century and Shetan raced to a delightful 50.

score : 300 for 3

Paad the PJ Master said " flowed like Urbana Champaign "

Langur was now in a quandary. What could he do to stop this excellent partnership. Ponty ran up to him from behind the stumps and whispered something in his ears. So at the end of Wobin's over .. while Anaconda King was drinking water in the break .. and not attentive ... the secret duo of Ponty and Langur tied up his anaconda in knotts. In fact they tied the last knot around the stumps. Poor Anaconda King when he was facing the fist delivary after the drinks break tried to play the hook shot to a steep delivary from Bandru. But his Anaconda which was tied around the stumps could not play the shot and he was out hit-wicket. Also he was hit on the face with the short delivary and had to be carried out of the ground on a stretcher. He was the second batsman out in the same match, hit-wicket. Shetan was infuriated. The next three batsman Genie, Nun-ki and Mona Darling tried their best to hold up one end and help Shetan win the match but they got out quite early. Suddenly from a winning position they had slipped to 320 for 7.

Bhow-rabh joined Shetan at the crease. Bhow-rabh wasn't a good batsman and knew his limitations. However he just hung out there taking singles and giving strike to Shetan. They managed to hold out together for a partnership of 75 runs at the end of which the score read 395 for 7. Shetan by now had completed an terrific hundred and looked good for more.

Meanwhile in the next over when Bhow-rabh was taking strike and Bandru was bowling, Ponty shouted Kyooooooooooon into Bhow-rabh's ear. It sounded like a thousand sabre toothed tigers just returning from hell bellowing with hunger. Bhow-rabh's concentration was affected for a milli-second in which the short pitched delivary took his outside edge and went into the hands of the eager wicket-keeper. Ponty was having a good match.

In walked Mister Paad - Kachra. He was the worst batsman in the side but still better than Tintin. Since Bhow-rabh was out on the last ball of the over he was at non striker's end. Corporal Tanan was bowling. While running in and trying to complete her action, she TAPPED Kachra on the most delicate part of his body - his butt. He started dancing down the pitch in excitement and in his antics took the ball in his hands before Shetan had even played it. Corporal Tanan appealed and the umpires after contemplating declared Kachra out for handling the ball. But it was the first time in the history of the game that a non-striker had been given out for handling the ball.

score : 395 for 9.

All seemed over as Bini - Guran walked out. With 26 runs still required, the last pair was at the crease and just 17 balls left. Shetan scored 10 runs of the remaining balls of Tanan's over. Now the requirement was 16 runs of 12 balls. Bini on strike .. she used her vacuum cleaner to deviate the ball from the stumps and take singles. They managed to score 9 runs of the over. So it was 7 runs of the last over with bini on strike. Bandru came on to bowl the last over.

First ball that he bowled was a bouncer. Bini couldn't play it at all. Second ball she hit straight to the wicket-keeper. The tension was mounting. The next three balls bini couldn't even play. She was so nervous that she couldn't get her vacuum cleaner to work. Everyone thought the match was over for the bananas. It was the last ball and bini was on strike. She had to hit a 6 just to tie the match. Just was the bowler was about to bowl .. she shouted "TRAIN CHAL RAHI HAI". All the barabarians thought a train was coming and dived for cover. Meanwhile bini played the ball and the pair ran a single. Shetan thought they had lost but the alert Umpire Chutney had seen Bandru over-step and declared a no-ball. So the Bananas now had one more ball to hit the six but this time the centurian Shetan was on strike. Just as Bandru bowled the last ball, Shetan smashed him way in the air.

as Sidhu the commentator says "it got an air-hostess with it on the way"

Langur ran after the ball. He ran and ran and ran and dived to pick up an extra-ordinary catch. Langur thought they had won. But when he looked down .. he observed that he had crossed the boundary line. It was a 6. The bananas had won

The Barbarians very left licking their wounds like wounded lions. They could'nt digest the fact that they had lost. Dejected, they left the peaceful Land of the Bananas for good. And the people of the Land Of Bananas lived a free and happy life thereafter.

We will just briefly tell you what all the Characters above are doing at present. If you are interested in what the characters are doing right now, then please scroll down.

CURRENT STATUS

The Villagers.

1. The Anaconda King --> Seeing his batting and bowling exploits he was given a scholarship in some distant Holy Land of Virgins. Right now he's drooling over the voluptuous and vivacious beauties of this exotic land. In fact he is now called Emperor Rohit, Lord of The Land Of Virgins urf The Virgin King.

2. Bhow-rabh --> This fearsome bowler is included in Sir Don Bradman's best 11 players of all time list. He is right now honing his shining skills on poor unsuspecting girls and patenting new ways of swinging the ball.

3. Shetan --> He is one the luckiest and only the second batsman along with Sachin Tendulkar currently still playing to be included in Sir Don Bradman's best 11 players of all time list. He is right now going to Sri Lanka to help the Indian Team to win One Match at least !!!

4. Fun-Ali --> Tired of hearing about the "betrayal" she has decided to go away to a far away land.

5. Jerry Hall --> Waiting for Wobin to return !

6. Gwati--> She is right now on a mission to kill all the 'Sharks' in the world.

7. Mona Darling --> Still finding the right oppurtunity to SPEAK. She is still angry over Kulal taking her clip to the Holy Land of Virgins.

8. Genie --> Sorry its Mrs.Genie. Right now she is playing cricket for the Mary-Gaon team and has got married to the team doctor Mr. Neil.

9. Nunki--> She has applied to the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest hair in the world.

10. Bini --> She has patented her unique ability to create a vaccum. Right now she has got a TA for giving all the tutorials she has imbibed from her 'God Fathers'.

11. Mister Paad --> Still using the obsolete 'try and catch' technique. He thinks he still has a chance like Aamir Khan in DCH .


The Barbarians

1. Langur--> Right now he doing whatever his "Jiju" asks him to do. He's still the Cheapu King.

2. Kulal--> He is dejected because his long time Sweet-Heart got engaged. He still has Mona's clip.

3. Wah-Mit--> He still says "Not before, only after!!!" (Remember the question at Ankur's terace?)

4. Wobin--> This Sheikh has got married legally to 4 different women .

5. Har-Sole--> Still thinks that the computer is a thing which you can Marry.

6. Pom-Pom Ponty --> Still inquisitve as ever asking "kyoooooooooo" and is now a full time slave in PCS, (Ponty's Company Of Slaves). He's responsible for implementing whatever plans that Tintin furnishes.

7. Bandru --> Has gone to an arid-zone called Arizona.

8. Bullu --> Shining as ever but now in PUNE !!!

9. Tanan--> Has ditched everyone and got away with a stranger called Niraj. Every guy except Bhow-rabh and Shetan hates u, Niraj !

10. Cow-Shit --> He has gone to Rajkot to bash up Niraj.

11. Tintin --> The Indian government has given him a VISA for Cyprus hoping that he never returns back. This guy is still a silent one-shot killer and still enjoys batting last on any type of pitch. Watch out Everyone !!!!

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- Compiled and Edited By Sourabh & Ketan

LAGAAN - The Tax

DISCLAMER :

ANY RESEMBLANCE OF THE CHARACTERS IN THE STORY TO ANY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY UNINTENTIONAL AND FICTIONAL.

Ladies, Gentleman and Cheapus,

We are back with a new story. After the epic saga of love, Mohabbatein we have brought to you the story of Lagaan. Lagaan depicts the clash of two civilizations and the victory of the Weak over the Strong. A story which hails the power of unity when girl-power combines with the alluring charm of 2 all time great shiners and a genial king with a 'heart of gold and an omni-potent weapon'. They win against all odds with determination and commitment. Sourabh-Ketan productions bring to you Lagaan

THE STORY :

ACT 1 : LAND OF THE BANANAS

Once upon a time in a distant land, called the Land Of Bananas, lived a King. Handsome and wise, his flowing blond curls were the envy of many a men and a source of threat to numerous women. Even Nun-ki the 'Funky' famous for her beautiful cascading hair and a very good friend of Bhow-rabh and Shetan was jealous of him.

He ruled like an Emperor and cared for his people. His orders were never to be defied else he would roar like a lion and whip his Anaconda with the ferocity of a Ballistic Missile. His worst and most humiliatingly painful punishment was the dreaded "OUT-OUCH" technique.

The people of the Land Of Bananas were peaceful people who liked their rustic and quiet life-style. Life in this Land was like living in Paradise. Led by their benevolent but disciplinary King they loved their bliss-full existence.

The Emperor's subjects feared him but held him and his anaconda in high esteem.

Mister PAAD the PJ master says " 'high esteem' is the new model of Maruti"

His Royal Highness went by the name Emperor Rohit Bheja-puri, Lord Of The Land Of Bananas. However in private, he was often called the Lord Bhai the Anaconda King. In the rest of the story we will just refer to him as the Anaconda King much like the legendary Scorpion King in Egyptian folklore.

( we wasted 70 bucks for that movie :-( )

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACT 2 : THE BARBARIANS ATTACK

Now in a sudden twist of fate or twist of anaconda, the Land Of Bananas was invaded by Barbarians led by the inimitable Langur the Cheapu. He held the title of Captain Langur and was thus the highest ranking official amongst the invading army of Barbarians and hence was the leader of the rampaging conquerers. Being a peaceful kingdom the Anaconda King had no reply to this ravaging attack and was forced to surrender.

The once proud Anaconda King was humiliated in front of his subjects by these Barbarians. The well-bred Anaconda too was publicly whipped by these cruel invaders. To add insult to injury, Captain Langur the Cheapu implemented the PLAN BCG on someone that the Anaconda King loved dearly. He despised this act of Captain Langur and vowed to wreak vengeance on this Barbarian.

The Anaconda King had now become a slave of the Barbarians and his anaconda went into hibernation. His subjects too had to face the brunt of the invasion and also had to bear with Captain Cheapo's very very wicked smile and an irritating laughter (so irritating that it could force you to bang your head on the wall) and were forced to pay a tax called Lagaan.

Features of Lagaan :

( to those who think Lagaan is just a monetory tax )

1) Lagaan is analogous to the terms used in Robotics such as
a) Tool Configuration Vector - Yaw, Pitch, Roll motions
b) Screw Transformations
c) Pick and Place Operations
d) Compliant, Gross and Grasp Motions
e) Shrink and Swell Iterative Operators

* please refer to "Fundamentals of Robotics" by Sourabh & Ketan

2) Also analogous to a Game of Golf ( where we take 1/6 the field of play )

3) Compatible to Java / Advanced Java developed by the 4 bandars at SAKEC labs.

4) Recall that we mentioned, that Java incorporates a unique template matching algorithm. Lagaan being an upgrade matches the objects in their entirety.

5) It also does away with the count variable in Java and instead initiates it to 0. count = 0 (default setting) However in unique cases, when access privilage level = 0, an ISR may be written to handle the interrupts where the count variable is incremented by 1. count ++

6) If constraints are not handled properly a child procedure might be created that might start feeding on the resources of the parent procedure.

7) Lagaan is partly equivalent to compiling a Javac program. But for complete Lagaan vasool, it is essential to compile and run the Javac program along with side procedures such as 18_till_i_die.mp3(song), 4-play.exe (game), hungry.pdf etc.

8) In the hill-climbing algorithm associated with Lagaan, if the Lagaan is not vasool (collected) properly, it leads to frustration. Hence many a times frustrations are associated with the hill climbing algorithm.

9) When a party wishes to communicate with a second party (she-party), it sends a flirting request to the she party. If the she-party is in agreement, it sends back an acknowledgement. Next control parameters are exchanged to pave the away for data information. Setting up the control field is an integral part of the entire process. Unless the settings are perfect, data exchange is not possible. Now that the connection is set. Party sends data across the physical connection. Once entire data is sent the she-party breaks off the connection and the entire process comes to an end. Sometimes either side may use Fire-walls for security and protection.

10) Throughout the process of Lagaan vasool, QOS has to be maintained. More often than not the spiral model is used for maximum performance. For better quality, Function points have to be taken care off.

11) With reference to point 9, if party = client, and she-party = server ... the entire process becomes a client-server process also called RPC. In such a case if client crashes, running process is called orphan. Orphans can be stalled by using a) extermination b) reincarnation c) gentle reincarnation d) expiration


Back to the Story ......

One fine day as Cheapo Langur and The Anaconda King were having breakfast Captain Langur asked The Anaconda King to do the famous "Anaconda Show".

(Mister Paad the PJ master says : break-slow ).

The King and his hibernating Anaconda refused to do so. Captain Langur knew the omni-potent power of the Anaconda and wanted to control it. He knew that if he could get the Anaconda to do what he asked it to .. he could become the most powerful man on earth. The King's refusal to comply infuriated Cpt. Langur to no bounds. ( remember the "unbounded buffer " algorithm in Operating Systems) Shaking with fury, he decided to teach the King and his men a lesson.

( By the way this para is called the Classical Producer Consumer Problem)

So Captain Langur decided to levy more Lagaan on the King and his men. He roared "tum mujhe dugna (double) lagaan doge ". The King could not humble his proud Anaconda and knew he had to pay up. He had no other option.

This whole act angered the King's men. Already frustrated with the cheapu-giri of their new rulers, this additional Lagaan seemed to be the last straw. Now let us talk about some of the King's men.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

1) Kachra --> Mister Paad

Mister Paad used to clean up after the King had used the toilet.

( there were no toilet paper in those days )

This pathetic character was nicknamed Kachra because of his job and also his dirt-cheap copy-left PJ's that were a torture to those who heard them. Basically he's a low-life scum.

2) Ismail --> Shetan

Potter and part time Court Jester. A very funny, witty and jovial man, he brought a smile on the faces of many a person including the King with his witty and sarcastic comments. A great shiner he was very popular with the girls of the Land Of Bananas. A living legend and along with Bhow-rabh one of the only two successful GOPIs left.

3) Goli --> Bhow-Rabh

Farmer and also a funny man. Along with Shetan, he's a top notch Shiner, Gopi and a good man at heart. His charismatic personality has left many a woman drooling. Another living legend.

God bless both Shetan and Bhow-rabh.

4) Arjan --> Gwati the 'Naughty' Faatkar

( I Swwwwwwwwwear ) Black-smith and trekker, she's got the stamina and fleet-footedness of a mountain goat. She's good at heart but her love for double meaning entendre' had even the barbarians shocked. (I Knnnnnow)

5) Ishwar Kaka --> Mona 'Darling'

A very good natured girl who never said "no" to anything. She plays the soft-hearted Vaid.

6) Bhura --> Nunki 'the funky' ka-nokia

Her long cascading hair the envy of many, she's the best friend of both the script writers. She's a 'Murgi-wala' and is frustrated especially while catching a murgi called 'he-meeeeeeen'. Actually it was a case of the 'cart pulling the horse' because the murgi was trying to catch Nunki.

7) Bagha --> Jerry Hall

Bagha is the Mute-Drummer. Jerry gets the role because of her enormous strength and power. It was quite an effort getting her to keep quiet throughout the shooting of the movie. Her frustrations at not being able to speak made her stomp her foot in anger which caused an earth-quake in Bhuj where the movie was shot.

8) Guran --> Bini the Bunny

Guran is the crazy fortune teller. Bini was given this role because of the way she laughs. Almost like Guran. Also her ability to crack very silly comments and start laughing.

She often fortells fortunes like -> train ruk gayee etc. Often seems to me like a Psychic. She also has the same love as Gwati for some double meaning entendre'.

9) Lakha --> Fun-Ali Dholey alias Bam Bam Bhole

Lakha is the Wood-Cutter and the ultimate betrayer. Please watch out in the story how she manages to betray the team. She talks like a foreigner and is well known for saying

"There's a bottle out there"

I can mention a thousand things about her hair but we have already said a lot about them in our previous stories.

10) Deva --> Genie Patel

The Sardar from the neighbouring village -> Genie Patel. Genie is a quiet nice girl who comes to help the villagers in their fight for glory. She has quite a few surprises up her sleeve.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

All the King's men (and women) decided to show their disapproval. They approached the King along the approach vector and normal to the normal vector and requested him to forfeit the Lagaan. But the King could do nothing. He was helpless.

When Captain Langur the Cheapu heard their plea for help, he decided to trick them with deceit and decided to challenge the villagers to a game of Cricket popularly known by some as "OUT-OUCH" game.

He promised them that if they win the game he would forfeit the Lagaan. But if the Barbarians won, the villagers would have to pay him 'triple' teen guna lagaan. Bhowrabh and Shetan the good guys promptly accepted the challenge. Such was their confidence ....

Cricket was a game that was never witnessed by the villagers of the Land Of Bananas because all their life they were playing "Gilli-Anaconda".

The Barbarian Cricket team consisted of many a world class players. They are nicknamed ' The Barbarians ' by their vanquished opponents. A run-down of the team.

1) Captain Langur the Cheapu

Captain Langur was the strike batsman par excellence. Regarded by many as the best batsman in the world. His arrogant and irritating grin while batting infuriated many well-renowned fast bowlers. He managed to bring the worst out of them. Captain Langur is the pioneer in the field of Lagaan vasooli. Also one of the co-founders of Java he's often lovingly called The Cheapu King much like The Anaconda King.

2) Lieutenant Pom Pom Ponty

kyooo?? I dont have to give intro abt him !

Actually Pom Pom Ponty was second in command and also instrumental in the creation of Lagaan vasooli. However he loves when the 'Odds' (Mister Paad the PJ Master calls them 'Evens') are trebled and his dream lies in teen guna lagaan. Pom Pom Ponty was the wicket-keeper and an expert in sledging.

kyooo??

3) Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible

The Sometimessssssssss ... Despo Bhand

Tintin the terrible, sometimes was also known as The Despo King. He was often the last for Lagaan vasooli because his victims of taxation often ended up beyond help. He also had this fixation of roses with thorns especially thorns.

4) Corporal Wah-mit Bhow-kulle

Hard hitting Kovali (pre-marital) batsman

Wah-mit was known as the Body. His bulging biceps, flexing muscles and drop dead good rugged looks had the women swooning over him. He was the hard-hitting batsman in the side. His power and elegance made batting look so easy. Wah-mit was a man of principles, a man with ethics, and he was against Lagaan vasooli. He firmly believed that if Lagaan vasooli was to be done, it should be after marriage. The secret of his batting was his complete abstinence from Lagaan vasooli and he followed his ethics with passion just like Hitler's passion for conquering the world.

5) Corporal Tanan Bandit

The garrulous Tanan Bandit was the spin bolwer of the side. She was an expert in bowling googlies. Honestly speaking .. she was a lousy player and many believe it was her proximity to Captain Langur that got her a place in the side.

She was the dream of all Romeos. Her drop dead looks had mesmerized Captain Langur the Cheapu, Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi, Sepoy Kulal Machmach and Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible. In fact though a lousy player she seemed to be a key player of the side. She was like an Anchor of the side around which the entire team revolved.

6) Sepoy Bandru Shaker

Sepoy Bandru is known as the Silent Assasin. A quiet fast bowler he spells doom on any batsman that dares to bat against him. He runs in like the wind and bowls deliveries beyond the speed of light. Also a useful batsman, he can make mince-meat of any bowling side on his day.

He was a quieter and more decent member of the side. His use of technology was also remarkable. He did believe in Lagaan vasooli but used the new internet technology to create Cyber-Lagaan. An invention that was instrumental in making him a quiet and mentally satisfied individual.

7) Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi

Bullu Di Chaddi was a very fearsome null pointer bowler. A medium pacer by specialization, he would often torment the opponents with his excruciatingly slow batting. As for his fielding .. one can only praise his greatness .. he prowled the outfield like a squatting dog hidden snake. His exploits were not only limited to the cricket field, his null pointer attacks on poor unsuspecting victims like Wobin and Shetan have been well documented.

However he continued to be a sweet-heart of both boys and gals.

8) Sepoy Kulal Machmach

His curls the envy of many, Kulal was the opening batsman in the side. A shake of his head and girls would fall down unconscious. Such was his prowess. A technically correct batsman, he was more famous for his PCO and bIndica. He also had this lapses in concentration, this was because his interests lied elsewhere. It is often said that he joined the cricket team only because Corporal Tanan Bandit was a member of the side. He often had personality clashes with Captain Langur over Corporal Tanan. However later in the story they team up together to defeat the evil designs of Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi.

9) Sepoy Harsole Saah

A quiet character. He was the brains of the side. A computer geek, he analysed the weaknesses and strengths of the opponents. He also created a Virtual reality software that assisted players to correct their technical flaws. He was a lower order batsman and part time bowler in the side. However he was in the side because of his mental shrewdness. Also a shiner in the mould of Shetan and Bhow-rabh, he was a great trekker and mountain climber. He was nicked the Cool-Kid.

10) Sepoy Cow-Shit Mamu

Another bowler in the side, he could out-fox opponents by bowling a faster delivery once in a while. Much like the legendary Venkatesh Prasad who was his idol. Sepoy Cow-Shit bowled really good slow balls and better slower balls but his normal speed delivary was his surprise weapon. He was much of surprise packet and was used to break partnerships.

However he was a decent guy though he tried to shine a lot. More in the mould of a TRYER than a SHINER. However his shining success with umpires and referees is legendary.

11) Sepoy Wobin

Sepoy Wobin was a true warrior. He could bat and bowl with great control. A good-natured guy, he was very secretive about his love life with neighbourhood girls. He always had a few surprises up his sleeve. There is a saying about him

" Wobin was a Right Man in a Wrong Team ". Often supported the Constructors led by Havaldar Biswas Halva.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Faced with this task of defeating the Barbarians, the Anaconda King hand-picked his team to take them on. Soon this team of villagers came to be called as the Bananas and the clash came to be known as Battle of the Bs. Anaconda King himself decided to take on the mantle of Captainship.

* remember this is not an exact replica of Lagaan.

1) Bhuvan (Captain) : Rohit Bheja-Puri the Anaconda King

The Anaconda King was definitely the best batsman and bowler of the side. None could even hope to come close to him. The greatness of his batting was that he never felt the necessity to use a bat.

2) Lakha (Wood-Cutter & Betrayer) : Fun-Ali Dholey

Fun-Ali was an attacking batsman of the side.

3) Bagha (Mute Drummer) : Jerry Hall

Jerry is another hard-hitting batsman. She uses all her strength to send the ball sailing well beyond the ropes.

4) Kachra (Sweeper) : Mister Paad

Mister Paad is an unlikely hero. A spinning sensation, he could mesmerize a batsman, just like Shane Warne used to. He had this unique ritual before he came in to bowl, he would dance around at the start of the run-up jiggling his butt. That gave the momentum to spin the ball like a Top.

5) Ismail (Potter) : Shetan Shah

A classic batsman, he was the second best batsman in the side after Ananconda King. Elegance was the hall-mark of his batting.

6) Arjan (Blacksmith) : Gwati the 'Naughty' Faat-kar

She was also a hard-hitting batsman and could smash the ball way out of the ground. She had the stamina of a mountian goat and could run like a cheetah between wickets.

7) Ishwar Kaka (Vaid) : Mona Darling

Mona Darling is the wicketkeeper and a decent batsman at best.

8) Guran (Fortune Teller) : Bini the bunny

Wild with both bat and ball, bini is unpredictable. Capable of taking a coupple of wickets, she had a strange batting style. However she was an excellent fielder as you will see later in the story.

9) Deva (Sikh) : Genie Patel

A good all rounder, Genie was an excellent cricketer. She was the only one with some cricketing back-ground as she came from Mary-Gaon a place where cricket was played. She came to the Land of Bananas to help the poor villagers against their evil rulers.

10) Bhura (Murgi-Wala) : Nun-ki the 'Funky' ka-Nokia

Good at catching chickens, Nun-ki was a fielder who bowled a bit. A la Jonty Rhodes, she was an excellent fielder much like bini.

11) Goli (Farmer) : Bhow-rabh

The second best bowler in the side after Anaconda King, he was an attacking pace bowler who had put fear into the hearts of many a batsman.

Umpire :-

1) Colonel Love-Kick Chutney : the unsuccessful detective and also one of our loyal friends left after the Lonavala trip.

2) Colonel Purr-Aag Kanan-De : Quiet Skeleton

The Captain Langur the Cheapu had given the villagers 3 months to prepare for the match. Initially the villagers had some reservations about taking on the Barbarians but Bhow-rabh and Shetan cleared those out. The real problem was that the villagers didn't know how to play the game. As we said earlier the only game they played was Gilli-Anaconda.


KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTRY OF ROSE (RACHEL SHELLEY) aka ASS-MITA

The Captain had a gorgeous sister. No number of adjectives could ever completely describe her pulchritude. She was as beautiful as a lotus growing in a dirty pond. Indeed she stood out as an exception in this gang of ugly Barbarians. She also had a heart of Gold. She believed in equality of all humans and was against her brother's exploitation of the poor pheasants of the Land of Bananas. When she heard about the challenge she knew that this would not be a fair fight and was of the opinion that her brother was doing something wrong. Believing that the villagers should get a fair chance to defend themselves, she decided to oppose her brother and going against his wishes she made up her mind to help the poor villagers. And the best way to help them was to help them learn the game of Cricket.

The villagers were delighted. Now at least they could learn something about the game and at least fight the Barbarians on even terms. So the over-joyous villagers and especially Bhow-rabh and Shetan accepted her with both hands and ..... Now the moment that the Anaconda King laid his eyes on her, he fell head and heels in love with her. Soon enough the Anaconda King and his faithful Anaconda be-cum a slave of her beauty but both (King and his Anaconda) couldn't quite convey their feelings. On the other hand Bhow-rabh and Shetan who were always looking out for a chance did the needful .......


KAHANI MEIN DUSRA TWIST : THE BETRAYAL

As we mentioned earlier, Captain Langur's team had a very special player, Corporal Tanan Bandit. Well what can we say about her. We have already mentioned her characteristic traits in an above paragraph. Corporal Tanan was a loquacious person and very beautiful. She had created quite an effect in the Barbarian team when she had first joined them. Captain Langur, Sepoy Kulal and Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi had gone weak in their knees ever since they had laid eyes on Corporal Tanan. Now Bullu Di Chaddi being the sweet talker that he was took her to the village canteen for a date. Sparks flew between them as they sat beside each other in the canteen. Bullu Di Chhadi and his bullu fell big time for her and he proposed to her right there in the village canteen. She promptly accepted it. Bullu Di Chaddi and his bullu were absolutely delighted. The two made a really beautiful couple.

Captain Langur also liked her a lot. But however hard he tried could never impress her. He too tried taking her to the canteen but she refused to go with him insisting that she wanted to go only with Bullu Di Chaddi. Next he tried to impress her in the Computer Labs of the village. He and his friend Lieutenant Tintin the Despo King did all they could to create feelings in Tanan's mind for Captain Langur. As the final step they tried to Console (!!!!!!!!) her. For those who do not know what "console" we are talking about here, please refer to Ankur Pal or Mohinder Chopra.

After all this the animosity between Langur and Bullu grew no bounds just like the unbounded buffer algorithm.

On the other hand Lakha (from the Bananas) urf Fun-Ali also started having feeling for Bullu. She wanted him so desperately that she did not mind betraying her friends and team-mates. She was just mad about him and his irresistible hair.

(According to us they make a good HAIRY couple .)

However seeing him going around with Tanan made her shake with fury. One day when her in-built delay flip flop was not working, she came up with a brilliant plan. While the preparations for the match were going on Funali secretly approached Bullu along the approach vector and normal to the normal vector and confided in Bullu. She had a deal for him. She agreed to give the Banana team's strategy and game plan for the match. Not only that she would throw away her wicket quickly and also mis-field purposely.

But she had condition !!!

Bullu was told to part from Tanan and to accept her with all his mind and soul. Bullu was now in a dilemma. It was a choice between his love for Tanan and his love for the Team. He decided to help the team. For him, his team was a priority and so he parted away with Tanan.

Seeing all this enraged Pom Pom Ponty ( kyooooo? ) because he had feelings for Funali. Captain Langur and Sepoy Kulal who were already enraged with Sepoy Bullu decided to help Ponty in his evil designs. One day when Sepoy Bullu was travelling in a train, Pom Pom Ponty injured him in a one to one mortal combat. Poor Bullu was left with an injured left hand.


KAHANI MEIN TWIST : THE MATCH

Continued in Lagaan - The Match.


- Compiled and Edited by Ketan & Sourabh