LAGAAN - The Match

Dear Americans, fellow dirty Indians and a lone crusader from Bahrain,

The D-Day was closing in just like the cloud formations at Tungarlee. The armies were marching in, the forces were gathering and war was about to commence. A force more powerful than any ,the world has ever known was about to be unleashed by the two people who knew better. Yes we are taking about Captain Langur The Cheapu & Emperor Rohit The Anaconda King urf Bhai The Betaaj Badshah. The Land Of Bananas was filled with excitement as their team was marching towards the battle-ground. (analogous to the basketball court in Shah and Anchor grounds). The villagers marched towards the ground shouting slogans such as " We will , We Will Rock You ... We will, We Will F*** You , You and your *ocks ".

By now you must be knowing what Paad the PJ Master would have said about Analogous.

The village wore a festive mood as villagers and blond bombshells poured in from neighbouring villages in large numbers. The clock systems went for a toss as the minute hand started cum-peting with the second hand. (think straight you filthy cheapus Indians and more so for Americans). There was total dis-orientattion. The entire ground was over-flowing with colorful villagers just like the Bhushy Dam as they thronged along to support their home team. Most of the Barbarians in apprehension of the big match (Captain Langur being a major exception) "spanked their monkeys" urf "unplugged the dolphin" urf "wonked their wonkies" urf "strengthened their respective hands". Everyone had their own unique styles. (Please refer to the movie THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT MARY to understand the above jargons.)

THE TOSS :

Both Bheja-puri and Captain Langur walked out to the cricket field for a toss. As Anaconda King tossed way up in the air (we meant the coin you cheapus --> sudhar jao), Captain Langur saw an opening and swiftly went in for his famous and copy-left Out-Out trick. This caught Anaconda King off-gaurd as he wasn't wearing his leg-gaurd and his got displaced along the sliding vector. The coin slipped out of his hand and Langur won the toss. With his trademark irritating grin Captain Langur declared that his team will make first use of the pitch. Captain Langur was delighted since he knew that batting second on this pitch was next to impossible. And he always preferred batting first on any type of a pitch unlike his second in command Lieutenant Tintin The Terrible who always was of the opinion that 'playing the last innings was his forte'.

As the crowds awaited the match to start The Anaconda King and his merry men prayed one last time before marching on to the field ready for the final assault and to reverse all the insults that had been bestowed upon them by this barbarians. Undeterred by the humiliation by way of the displacement he suffered, Anaconda King made his so called "setting" or "adjustment". He was a now a man on a mission. For him nothing seemed impossible. And victory was a must against these cheapu barbarians.

THE TEAMS :

Banana Team : ( batting order )

1. Anaconda King- Bhuvan ( captain & all- rounder )
2. Funali - lakha ( bastman )
3. Jerry - Bagha ( batsman )
4. Shetan - Ismail ( batsman )
5. Gwati - Arjan ( batsman )
6. Mona Darling - Ishwar ( wicket-keeper )
7. Genie - Deva ( all rounder )
8. Nunki - Bhura ( bowler )
9. Bini - Guran ( bowler )
10. Bhow-rabh - Goli ( fast bowler )
11. Paad - kachra ( spin bowler )


Barbarian Team : ( batting order )

1. Captain Langur the Cheapu ( batsman )
2. Sepoy Kulal Machmach ( batsman )
3. Corporal Wah-mit Bhow-kulle ( batsman )
4. Sepoy Wobin ( all rounder )
5. Sepoy Harsole Saah ( all rounder )
6. Lieutenant Pom Pom Ponty ( wicketkeeper )
7. Sepoy Bandru Shaker ( fast - bowler )
8. Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi ( null pointer bowler )
9. Corporal Tanan Bandit ( spin - bowler )
10. Sepoy Cow-Shit Mamu ( slow bowler )
11. Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible ( batsman )

Lieitenant Tintin, though in the team as a specialist batsman was always sent last for batting. the reasons are obvious ...


THE MATCH :

Day 1 ....

Anaconda King opened his bowling attack with the fearsome but quiet bowler Genie Patel urf Deva. Genie Patel was an "NRV" i.e A None Resident Villager. She came from a village called Mary-Gaon. On the other hand Captian Langur was supremely confident of victory and so sent his worst batsman Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible to open the batting along with the regular opener Sepoy Kulal Machmach. Tintin the Terrible took strike .. he wanted the off-stump gaurd but the umpire kept on telling him that he was making a mistake .. so Tintin asked for a middle stump gaurd .. again the umpire affirmed that he was making a mistake .. Tintin then asked for a leg-stump gaurd .. again the umpire told him he was making a mistake. Now Tintin shouted at the umpire for being incompetant and asked what the mistake was ? The Umpire told him that he had to take gaurd in front of the stumps and not behind them.

Just as Genie was about to bowl, Terrible Tintin went on to his backfoot and hit the wickets with his bat. All the villagers found it to be hilarious and were rolling on their stomachs laughing .. clutching their stomachs. Terrible Tintin was humiliated as usual and for the first time in the history of the game someone was out before even facing a ball. At least till date Tintin used to get out first ball .. this time he got out before facing one.

Then there was a momentary silence as the unconquerable Langur came to the wicket. He was by far the best batsman in the world. He was a class act. Sheer elegance marked his batting and started flaying the attack. He not only smashed them all over the ground but frustrated them to no limits with his laughter. Meanwhile Kulal Machmach also managed to find his touch and was playing very sensibly. But while hitting a boundary he just glanced at the pavilion and saw Liuetenant Tintin and Corporal Tanan sitting beside each other and conversing. Kulal was instantly jealous and in a sudden rush of blood tried to smash a yorker from Genie out of the ground. He missed completely and was comprehensively bowled. The score now read 50 runs for 2 wickets with Langur batting unbeaten on 37. Corporal Wah-Mit walked in with his bat carrying it like a gladiator brandishing his sword or a cowboy aiming a half-sawed shotgun. He was famous for his fearsome batting. He joined the party and started assaulting the bowling attack of the banana king. There wasn't a shot he could not play and even overtook the irrepressible hitting the fastest 50 ever recorded in history. Soon the score was 115 for 2.

The Anaconda King then decided to make his first bowling change and introduced a variation. He brought on the spinning sensation Kachra - Mister paad with the unique "frog in the blender action". He would, at the start of his run-up jiggle his butt for approximately a minute and this would impart enough spin on the ball like a top to actually let it rip at right angles bamboozling the batsmen.

But the Anaconda King did not know that the pitch was a non-turner on the first day. Its hard to spin a new ball on the first day. Spinners should always be brought on with the old ball. So the Bechara and unsuccesful Kachra was spanked to all parts of the ground by both the prolific Langur and the swatch-buckling Wah-mit. Soon the score read 192 for 2 with Wah-mit on the verge of a century and Langur having just crossed his half-century.

Anaconda King had to replace him and brought on the ever dependable Goli - Bhow-rabh with an unusual but effective action. He immediately got the break-through having Wah-Mit caught behind. Not only Wah-Mit he also got the next two wickets in succession thus achieving the first hat-trick ever in the Land Of Bananas. Both Sepoy Wobin and Sepoy Har-sole were back in the pavilion with their egos deflated by this awesome bowler. No one could play him. Even the current Indian team needs bowlers like him !!! His secret behind his bowling abilites was that he could swing the ball either way, and also was the master of the reverse swing. He was such a born shiner that his shining abilities were often transeferred onto the ball which made it swing and seem at seemingly impossible angles.

score : 200 for 5 wickets

But for how long could he bowl?? He soon got tired and then the cheapus cashed in. Captain Langur who was still out there with the help of Lieutenant Ponty the wicket-keeper batsman played brilliantly to end the days play with the Barbarian team comfortable placed on 290 for 5 wickets with Captain Langur having compiled yet another ton. The day went miserably for the home team.

Meanwhile Lakha - Funali had fielded miserably all day as per her deal with Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi. Even that evening while the villagers were contemplating the day's play Fun-Ali was on a jaunt to visit Sepoy Bullu and to chalk out ther plan of action for the next day. Actually the villagers were trying to relieve their misery by watching 'Mohabbatein' at Basant Theatre at the stalls. Fun-Ali, while no one was looking quickly slipped out of the stalls and went up to the balconey to meet Sepoy Bullu. Hiding in the balconey they decided to continue their betrayal plans. This time they decided that Fun-ali will hide the ball in her hair while fielding and let the Barbarians run twice as much while everybody was busy searching for the ball.

However they did not know that Ass-Mita was sitting in the balconey too and had seen them together. She went to the stalls and warned the Bananas about this disgusting betrayal. The Anaconda King and his merry men were shocked. When Fun-ali returned to the village after the movie was over .. she was quizzed by Anaconda King. Terrified of the King and his Anaconda .. Funali confessed everything. She felt terribly guilty at having betrayed everyone and promised to the King that she will never do it again. The King & his Anaconda were deeply moved by her guilty conscience and the fact that her 'Love' for Bullu had made her a traitor. He forgave her on behalf of the villagers. Such was his forgiving nature.

Day 2 ...

The bananas came back to the field on the next day with resolve and determination. They had decided to get over their disappointments of the first day. Captain Langur and Lieutenant Ponty marched on to the crease arrogantly. They started off from where they had left the day before and continued playing the Banana Bowlers well. However the Banana bowlers were bowling with a great line and length troubling both the batsman. They were still unable to get wickets. Soon it was lunch and the score stood at 380 for 5. Anaconda King was confused. What could he do next ? Suddenly he had a brain wave. He decided to change the field setting and bring in new bowlers. He sent Bini - Guran to the boundary and brought in Nun-ki - Bhura as a bowler. Nun-ki too had a strange style of bowling. She made sure each time that her hair wasn't spoilt throughout the run-up and delivary. While observing this strange ritual .. the batsman often got distracted by her long cascading hair and would be caught off-gaurd. Ponty had just managed to negotiate 5 balls when he decided to show off his batting prowess. He smashed the next ball way over Nun-ki's head and everyone was sure it would go for a boundary when suddenly there was strange sound as if a vacuum cleaner was turned on. Bini's habit of inhaling air with a deep breath had made the ball deviate from it's projectile motion and go straight into the hands of bini standing at the boundary. Ponty was out.

score : 395 for 6.

Suddenly the bananas were fired up. Bini was saving everything at the boundary. Fun-ali was using her hair to stop the ball going over her head. Emperor Rohit himself used the Anaconda at this disposal to totally stop runs being scored. Runs had totally dried up for the Barbarians. Cheapu Langur was often left stranded as Sepoy Bandru could not manage to score. However they managed to occupy the crease without scoring anything. Anaconda King knew that time was running out as they would not have enough overs to chase the target. With just 5 overs for Tea, he brought on Mister Paad - Kachra.

score : 420 for 6.

First ball that Paad bowled, it was pitched outside leg-stump, turned a full 90 degrees and just crashed into the Sepoy Bandru's off-stump. He was left bewildered with his mouth open. As the villagers celebrated he walked back to the pavilion still in shock. Sepoy Bullu walked in and did not last for long as he was caught behind by the wicket-keeper Mona Darling - Ishwarkaka playing an absolutely deplorable shot.

score : 420 for 8

2 balls later Corporal Tanan was incidentally caught at 'Silly Point' by Fun-Ali and the Barbarians were reduced to 420 for 9. Sepoy Mamu managed to face the last ball and survive. Cheapu Langur now knew that he had to score of the other bowler since playing Paad was not possible. Facing the first ball of new bowler Bini, he tried to hit the over-pitched delivary for a 6 but mishit it way into the air. Anaconda King rushed after the ball and using his famous RPC (remote procedure call) managed to pluck it out of thin air. The Barbarian innings had come to an end with them having scored 420 all out. Such a fitting number for such a cheapu team.


Banana Innings :

Now it was time for the Bananas to bat. Out strode Fun-ali and the Anaconda King himself. Fun-Ali was determined to play well and make up for her betrayal but the silent assassin Bandru was about to bowl. Both Fun-Ali and the Anaconda King faced him comfortably. The Anaconda King is one unique player, he never uses a bat. He was elegance personified and could stroke the ball with such splendid touch that it had the spectators applauding every single shot. Fun-Ali herself was holding up the other end. They pulled up the total to 50 for no loss playing Bandru and Wobin quite comfortably. Soon there was a bowling change and Sepoy Bullu was brought on. He was a null pointer bowler. Fun-Ali was bamboozled by a terrific delivary and was clean bowled. In walked Jerry Hall - Bagha and she just went off after Bullu and hit him for 24 runs in a single over. Jerry was in fine touch and she hit the ball with raw power and soon the score was 111 for 1. The shrewd Langur took a calculated risk and brought on the slow bowler Sepoy mamu. Sepoy mamu bowled such a slow delivary that Jerry got bored waiting for it to come, she went to the pavilion, took a shower, changed her clothes, took a small nap and came back to the field to smash the ball over the boundary. Ther next ball was even slower .. this time when she went for a nap, the alarm clock didn't work and by the time she woke and came back, she was stumped by the sledging wicket-keeper Ponty.

score : 117 for 2

Day 3 :

Next came in the angry woman Gwati - Arjan. She too was a hard-hitting batsman and started to massacre the slow bowling of Mamu and the null pointer bowling of Bullu. Langur now brought back the Silent Assasin Bandru. He strode in full speed and threw a vicious delivary at Gwati right into her face. It caught her off-gaurd and she screamed I swwwwwear as she tried to save her head. The ball hit the handle of her bat and flew straight to wicket-keeper Potny. ( Kyooooooon ?? ). Now the Bananas seemed in trouble as Shetan - Ismail walked in to the crease.

score : 179 for 3

Meanwhile Anaconda King was in great form. He often just caressed the ball to the boundary. It was an innings of high class from him. Shetan the technically flawless batsman joined the run chase and had a great partnership going with his King. Runs flowed off their bat as they took runs off virtually every bowler and delivary. Bandru, Wobin, Mamu and Bullu had no answer to their onslaught. As the last option, Langur brought on Corporal Tanan. She was hit out of the attack by the marauding Anaconda King and his technically perfect partner Shetan. Runs flowed like Champaigne as Anaconda King completed an excellent century and Shetan raced to a delightful 50.

score : 300 for 3

Paad the PJ Master said " flowed like Urbana Champaign "

Langur was now in a quandary. What could he do to stop this excellent partnership. Ponty ran up to him from behind the stumps and whispered something in his ears. So at the end of Wobin's over .. while Anaconda King was drinking water in the break .. and not attentive ... the secret duo of Ponty and Langur tied up his anaconda in knotts. In fact they tied the last knot around the stumps. Poor Anaconda King when he was facing the fist delivary after the drinks break tried to play the hook shot to a steep delivary from Bandru. But his Anaconda which was tied around the stumps could not play the shot and he was out hit-wicket. Also he was hit on the face with the short delivary and had to be carried out of the ground on a stretcher. He was the second batsman out in the same match, hit-wicket. Shetan was infuriated. The next three batsman Genie, Nun-ki and Mona Darling tried their best to hold up one end and help Shetan win the match but they got out quite early. Suddenly from a winning position they had slipped to 320 for 7.

Bhow-rabh joined Shetan at the crease. Bhow-rabh wasn't a good batsman and knew his limitations. However he just hung out there taking singles and giving strike to Shetan. They managed to hold out together for a partnership of 75 runs at the end of which the score read 395 for 7. Shetan by now had completed an terrific hundred and looked good for more.

Meanwhile in the next over when Bhow-rabh was taking strike and Bandru was bowling, Ponty shouted Kyooooooooooon into Bhow-rabh's ear. It sounded like a thousand sabre toothed tigers just returning from hell bellowing with hunger. Bhow-rabh's concentration was affected for a milli-second in which the short pitched delivary took his outside edge and went into the hands of the eager wicket-keeper. Ponty was having a good match.

In walked Mister Paad - Kachra. He was the worst batsman in the side but still better than Tintin. Since Bhow-rabh was out on the last ball of the over he was at non striker's end. Corporal Tanan was bowling. While running in and trying to complete her action, she TAPPED Kachra on the most delicate part of his body - his butt. He started dancing down the pitch in excitement and in his antics took the ball in his hands before Shetan had even played it. Corporal Tanan appealed and the umpires after contemplating declared Kachra out for handling the ball. But it was the first time in the history of the game that a non-striker had been given out for handling the ball.

score : 395 for 9.

All seemed over as Bini - Guran walked out. With 26 runs still required, the last pair was at the crease and just 17 balls left. Shetan scored 10 runs of the remaining balls of Tanan's over. Now the requirement was 16 runs of 12 balls. Bini on strike .. she used her vacuum cleaner to deviate the ball from the stumps and take singles. They managed to score 9 runs of the over. So it was 7 runs of the last over with bini on strike. Bandru came on to bowl the last over.

First ball that he bowled was a bouncer. Bini couldn't play it at all. Second ball she hit straight to the wicket-keeper. The tension was mounting. The next three balls bini couldn't even play. She was so nervous that she couldn't get her vacuum cleaner to work. Everyone thought the match was over for the bananas. It was the last ball and bini was on strike. She had to hit a 6 just to tie the match. Just was the bowler was about to bowl .. she shouted "TRAIN CHAL RAHI HAI". All the barabarians thought a train was coming and dived for cover. Meanwhile bini played the ball and the pair ran a single. Shetan thought they had lost but the alert Umpire Chutney had seen Bandru over-step and declared a no-ball. So the Bananas now had one more ball to hit the six but this time the centurian Shetan was on strike. Just as Bandru bowled the last ball, Shetan smashed him way in the air.

as Sidhu the commentator says "it got an air-hostess with it on the way"

Langur ran after the ball. He ran and ran and ran and dived to pick up an extra-ordinary catch. Langur thought they had won. But when he looked down .. he observed that he had crossed the boundary line. It was a 6. The bananas had won

The Barbarians very left licking their wounds like wounded lions. They could'nt digest the fact that they had lost. Dejected, they left the peaceful Land of the Bananas for good. And the people of the Land Of Bananas lived a free and happy life thereafter.

We will just briefly tell you what all the Characters above are doing at present. If you are interested in what the characters are doing right now, then please scroll down.

CURRENT STATUS

The Villagers.

1. The Anaconda King --> Seeing his batting and bowling exploits he was given a scholarship in some distant Holy Land of Virgins. Right now he's drooling over the voluptuous and vivacious beauties of this exotic land. In fact he is now called Emperor Rohit, Lord of The Land Of Virgins urf The Virgin King.

2. Bhow-rabh --> This fearsome bowler is included in Sir Don Bradman's best 11 players of all time list. He is right now honing his shining skills on poor unsuspecting girls and patenting new ways of swinging the ball.

3. Shetan --> He is one the luckiest and only the second batsman along with Sachin Tendulkar currently still playing to be included in Sir Don Bradman's best 11 players of all time list. He is right now going to Sri Lanka to help the Indian Team to win One Match at least !!!

4. Fun-Ali --> Tired of hearing about the "betrayal" she has decided to go away to a far away land.

5. Jerry Hall --> Waiting for Wobin to return !

6. Gwati--> She is right now on a mission to kill all the 'Sharks' in the world.

7. Mona Darling --> Still finding the right oppurtunity to SPEAK. She is still angry over Kulal taking her clip to the Holy Land of Virgins.

8. Genie --> Sorry its Mrs.Genie. Right now she is playing cricket for the Mary-Gaon team and has got married to the team doctor Mr. Neil.

9. Nunki--> She has applied to the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest hair in the world.

10. Bini --> She has patented her unique ability to create a vaccum. Right now she has got a TA for giving all the tutorials she has imbibed from her 'God Fathers'.

11. Mister Paad --> Still using the obsolete 'try and catch' technique. He thinks he still has a chance like Aamir Khan in DCH .


The Barbarians

1. Langur--> Right now he doing whatever his "Jiju" asks him to do. He's still the Cheapu King.

2. Kulal--> He is dejected because his long time Sweet-Heart got engaged. He still has Mona's clip.

3. Wah-Mit--> He still says "Not before, only after!!!" (Remember the question at Ankur's terace?)

4. Wobin--> This Sheikh has got married legally to 4 different women .

5. Har-Sole--> Still thinks that the computer is a thing which you can Marry.

6. Pom-Pom Ponty --> Still inquisitve as ever asking "kyoooooooooo" and is now a full time slave in PCS, (Ponty's Company Of Slaves). He's responsible for implementing whatever plans that Tintin furnishes.

7. Bandru --> Has gone to an arid-zone called Arizona.

8. Bullu --> Shining as ever but now in PUNE !!!

9. Tanan--> Has ditched everyone and got away with a stranger called Niraj. Every guy except Bhow-rabh and Shetan hates u, Niraj !

10. Cow-Shit --> He has gone to Rajkot to bash up Niraj.

11. Tintin --> The Indian government has given him a VISA for Cyprus hoping that he never returns back. This guy is still a silent one-shot killer and still enjoys batting last on any type of pitch. Watch out Everyone !!!!

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- Compiled and Edited By Sourabh & Ketan