LAGAAN - The Tax

DISCLAMER :

ANY RESEMBLANCE OF THE CHARACTERS IN THE STORY TO ANY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD IS PURELY UNINTENTIONAL AND FICTIONAL.

Ladies, Gentleman and Cheapus,

We are back with a new story. After the epic saga of love, Mohabbatein we have brought to you the story of Lagaan. Lagaan depicts the clash of two civilizations and the victory of the Weak over the Strong. A story which hails the power of unity when girl-power combines with the alluring charm of 2 all time great shiners and a genial king with a 'heart of gold and an omni-potent weapon'. They win against all odds with determination and commitment. Sourabh-Ketan productions bring to you Lagaan

THE STORY :

ACT 1 : LAND OF THE BANANAS

Once upon a time in a distant land, called the Land Of Bananas, lived a King. Handsome and wise, his flowing blond curls were the envy of many a men and a source of threat to numerous women. Even Nun-ki the 'Funky' famous for her beautiful cascading hair and a very good friend of Bhow-rabh and Shetan was jealous of him.

He ruled like an Emperor and cared for his people. His orders were never to be defied else he would roar like a lion and whip his Anaconda with the ferocity of a Ballistic Missile. His worst and most humiliatingly painful punishment was the dreaded "OUT-OUCH" technique.

The people of the Land Of Bananas were peaceful people who liked their rustic and quiet life-style. Life in this Land was like living in Paradise. Led by their benevolent but disciplinary King they loved their bliss-full existence.

The Emperor's subjects feared him but held him and his anaconda in high esteem.

Mister PAAD the PJ master says " 'high esteem' is the new model of Maruti"

His Royal Highness went by the name Emperor Rohit Bheja-puri, Lord Of The Land Of Bananas. However in private, he was often called the Lord Bhai the Anaconda King. In the rest of the story we will just refer to him as the Anaconda King much like the legendary Scorpion King in Egyptian folklore.

( we wasted 70 bucks for that movie :-( )

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ACT 2 : THE BARBARIANS ATTACK

Now in a sudden twist of fate or twist of anaconda, the Land Of Bananas was invaded by Barbarians led by the inimitable Langur the Cheapu. He held the title of Captain Langur and was thus the highest ranking official amongst the invading army of Barbarians and hence was the leader of the rampaging conquerers. Being a peaceful kingdom the Anaconda King had no reply to this ravaging attack and was forced to surrender.

The once proud Anaconda King was humiliated in front of his subjects by these Barbarians. The well-bred Anaconda too was publicly whipped by these cruel invaders. To add insult to injury, Captain Langur the Cheapu implemented the PLAN BCG on someone that the Anaconda King loved dearly. He despised this act of Captain Langur and vowed to wreak vengeance on this Barbarian.

The Anaconda King had now become a slave of the Barbarians and his anaconda went into hibernation. His subjects too had to face the brunt of the invasion and also had to bear with Captain Cheapo's very very wicked smile and an irritating laughter (so irritating that it could force you to bang your head on the wall) and were forced to pay a tax called Lagaan.

Features of Lagaan :

( to those who think Lagaan is just a monetory tax )

1) Lagaan is analogous to the terms used in Robotics such as
a) Tool Configuration Vector - Yaw, Pitch, Roll motions
b) Screw Transformations
c) Pick and Place Operations
d) Compliant, Gross and Grasp Motions
e) Shrink and Swell Iterative Operators

* please refer to "Fundamentals of Robotics" by Sourabh & Ketan

2) Also analogous to a Game of Golf ( where we take 1/6 the field of play )

3) Compatible to Java / Advanced Java developed by the 4 bandars at SAKEC labs.

4) Recall that we mentioned, that Java incorporates a unique template matching algorithm. Lagaan being an upgrade matches the objects in their entirety.

5) It also does away with the count variable in Java and instead initiates it to 0. count = 0 (default setting) However in unique cases, when access privilage level = 0, an ISR may be written to handle the interrupts where the count variable is incremented by 1. count ++

6) If constraints are not handled properly a child procedure might be created that might start feeding on the resources of the parent procedure.

7) Lagaan is partly equivalent to compiling a Javac program. But for complete Lagaan vasool, it is essential to compile and run the Javac program along with side procedures such as 18_till_i_die.mp3(song), 4-play.exe (game), hungry.pdf etc.

8) In the hill-climbing algorithm associated with Lagaan, if the Lagaan is not vasool (collected) properly, it leads to frustration. Hence many a times frustrations are associated with the hill climbing algorithm.

9) When a party wishes to communicate with a second party (she-party), it sends a flirting request to the she party. If the she-party is in agreement, it sends back an acknowledgement. Next control parameters are exchanged to pave the away for data information. Setting up the control field is an integral part of the entire process. Unless the settings are perfect, data exchange is not possible. Now that the connection is set. Party sends data across the physical connection. Once entire data is sent the she-party breaks off the connection and the entire process comes to an end. Sometimes either side may use Fire-walls for security and protection.

10) Throughout the process of Lagaan vasool, QOS has to be maintained. More often than not the spiral model is used for maximum performance. For better quality, Function points have to be taken care off.

11) With reference to point 9, if party = client, and she-party = server ... the entire process becomes a client-server process also called RPC. In such a case if client crashes, running process is called orphan. Orphans can be stalled by using a) extermination b) reincarnation c) gentle reincarnation d) expiration


Back to the Story ......

One fine day as Cheapo Langur and The Anaconda King were having breakfast Captain Langur asked The Anaconda King to do the famous "Anaconda Show".

(Mister Paad the PJ master says : break-slow ).

The King and his hibernating Anaconda refused to do so. Captain Langur knew the omni-potent power of the Anaconda and wanted to control it. He knew that if he could get the Anaconda to do what he asked it to .. he could become the most powerful man on earth. The King's refusal to comply infuriated Cpt. Langur to no bounds. ( remember the "unbounded buffer " algorithm in Operating Systems) Shaking with fury, he decided to teach the King and his men a lesson.

( By the way this para is called the Classical Producer Consumer Problem)

So Captain Langur decided to levy more Lagaan on the King and his men. He roared "tum mujhe dugna (double) lagaan doge ". The King could not humble his proud Anaconda and knew he had to pay up. He had no other option.

This whole act angered the King's men. Already frustrated with the cheapu-giri of their new rulers, this additional Lagaan seemed to be the last straw. Now let us talk about some of the King's men.
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1) Kachra --> Mister Paad

Mister Paad used to clean up after the King had used the toilet.

( there were no toilet paper in those days )

This pathetic character was nicknamed Kachra because of his job and also his dirt-cheap copy-left PJ's that were a torture to those who heard them. Basically he's a low-life scum.

2) Ismail --> Shetan

Potter and part time Court Jester. A very funny, witty and jovial man, he brought a smile on the faces of many a person including the King with his witty and sarcastic comments. A great shiner he was very popular with the girls of the Land Of Bananas. A living legend and along with Bhow-rabh one of the only two successful GOPIs left.

3) Goli --> Bhow-Rabh

Farmer and also a funny man. Along with Shetan, he's a top notch Shiner, Gopi and a good man at heart. His charismatic personality has left many a woman drooling. Another living legend.

God bless both Shetan and Bhow-rabh.

4) Arjan --> Gwati the 'Naughty' Faatkar

( I Swwwwwwwwwear ) Black-smith and trekker, she's got the stamina and fleet-footedness of a mountain goat. She's good at heart but her love for double meaning entendre' had even the barbarians shocked. (I Knnnnnow)

5) Ishwar Kaka --> Mona 'Darling'

A very good natured girl who never said "no" to anything. She plays the soft-hearted Vaid.

6) Bhura --> Nunki 'the funky' ka-nokia

Her long cascading hair the envy of many, she's the best friend of both the script writers. She's a 'Murgi-wala' and is frustrated especially while catching a murgi called 'he-meeeeeeen'. Actually it was a case of the 'cart pulling the horse' because the murgi was trying to catch Nunki.

7) Bagha --> Jerry Hall

Bagha is the Mute-Drummer. Jerry gets the role because of her enormous strength and power. It was quite an effort getting her to keep quiet throughout the shooting of the movie. Her frustrations at not being able to speak made her stomp her foot in anger which caused an earth-quake in Bhuj where the movie was shot.

8) Guran --> Bini the Bunny

Guran is the crazy fortune teller. Bini was given this role because of the way she laughs. Almost like Guran. Also her ability to crack very silly comments and start laughing.

She often fortells fortunes like -> train ruk gayee etc. Often seems to me like a Psychic. She also has the same love as Gwati for some double meaning entendre'.

9) Lakha --> Fun-Ali Dholey alias Bam Bam Bhole

Lakha is the Wood-Cutter and the ultimate betrayer. Please watch out in the story how she manages to betray the team. She talks like a foreigner and is well known for saying

"There's a bottle out there"

I can mention a thousand things about her hair but we have already said a lot about them in our previous stories.

10) Deva --> Genie Patel

The Sardar from the neighbouring village -> Genie Patel. Genie is a quiet nice girl who comes to help the villagers in their fight for glory. She has quite a few surprises up her sleeve.
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All the King's men (and women) decided to show their disapproval. They approached the King along the approach vector and normal to the normal vector and requested him to forfeit the Lagaan. But the King could do nothing. He was helpless.

When Captain Langur the Cheapu heard their plea for help, he decided to trick them with deceit and decided to challenge the villagers to a game of Cricket popularly known by some as "OUT-OUCH" game.

He promised them that if they win the game he would forfeit the Lagaan. But if the Barbarians won, the villagers would have to pay him 'triple' teen guna lagaan. Bhowrabh and Shetan the good guys promptly accepted the challenge. Such was their confidence ....

Cricket was a game that was never witnessed by the villagers of the Land Of Bananas because all their life they were playing "Gilli-Anaconda".

The Barbarian Cricket team consisted of many a world class players. They are nicknamed ' The Barbarians ' by their vanquished opponents. A run-down of the team.

1) Captain Langur the Cheapu

Captain Langur was the strike batsman par excellence. Regarded by many as the best batsman in the world. His arrogant and irritating grin while batting infuriated many well-renowned fast bowlers. He managed to bring the worst out of them. Captain Langur is the pioneer in the field of Lagaan vasooli. Also one of the co-founders of Java he's often lovingly called The Cheapu King much like The Anaconda King.

2) Lieutenant Pom Pom Ponty

kyooo?? I dont have to give intro abt him !

Actually Pom Pom Ponty was second in command and also instrumental in the creation of Lagaan vasooli. However he loves when the 'Odds' (Mister Paad the PJ Master calls them 'Evens') are trebled and his dream lies in teen guna lagaan. Pom Pom Ponty was the wicket-keeper and an expert in sledging.

kyooo??

3) Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible

The Sometimessssssssss ... Despo Bhand

Tintin the terrible, sometimes was also known as The Despo King. He was often the last for Lagaan vasooli because his victims of taxation often ended up beyond help. He also had this fixation of roses with thorns especially thorns.

4) Corporal Wah-mit Bhow-kulle

Hard hitting Kovali (pre-marital) batsman

Wah-mit was known as the Body. His bulging biceps, flexing muscles and drop dead good rugged looks had the women swooning over him. He was the hard-hitting batsman in the side. His power and elegance made batting look so easy. Wah-mit was a man of principles, a man with ethics, and he was against Lagaan vasooli. He firmly believed that if Lagaan vasooli was to be done, it should be after marriage. The secret of his batting was his complete abstinence from Lagaan vasooli and he followed his ethics with passion just like Hitler's passion for conquering the world.

5) Corporal Tanan Bandit

The garrulous Tanan Bandit was the spin bolwer of the side. She was an expert in bowling googlies. Honestly speaking .. she was a lousy player and many believe it was her proximity to Captain Langur that got her a place in the side.

She was the dream of all Romeos. Her drop dead looks had mesmerized Captain Langur the Cheapu, Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi, Sepoy Kulal Machmach and Lieutenant Tintin the Terrible. In fact though a lousy player she seemed to be a key player of the side. She was like an Anchor of the side around which the entire team revolved.

6) Sepoy Bandru Shaker

Sepoy Bandru is known as the Silent Assasin. A quiet fast bowler he spells doom on any batsman that dares to bat against him. He runs in like the wind and bowls deliveries beyond the speed of light. Also a useful batsman, he can make mince-meat of any bowling side on his day.

He was a quieter and more decent member of the side. His use of technology was also remarkable. He did believe in Lagaan vasooli but used the new internet technology to create Cyber-Lagaan. An invention that was instrumental in making him a quiet and mentally satisfied individual.

7) Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi

Bullu Di Chaddi was a very fearsome null pointer bowler. A medium pacer by specialization, he would often torment the opponents with his excruciatingly slow batting. As for his fielding .. one can only praise his greatness .. he prowled the outfield like a squatting dog hidden snake. His exploits were not only limited to the cricket field, his null pointer attacks on poor unsuspecting victims like Wobin and Shetan have been well documented.

However he continued to be a sweet-heart of both boys and gals.

8) Sepoy Kulal Machmach

His curls the envy of many, Kulal was the opening batsman in the side. A shake of his head and girls would fall down unconscious. Such was his prowess. A technically correct batsman, he was more famous for his PCO and bIndica. He also had this lapses in concentration, this was because his interests lied elsewhere. It is often said that he joined the cricket team only because Corporal Tanan Bandit was a member of the side. He often had personality clashes with Captain Langur over Corporal Tanan. However later in the story they team up together to defeat the evil designs of Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi.

9) Sepoy Harsole Saah

A quiet character. He was the brains of the side. A computer geek, he analysed the weaknesses and strengths of the opponents. He also created a Virtual reality software that assisted players to correct their technical flaws. He was a lower order batsman and part time bowler in the side. However he was in the side because of his mental shrewdness. Also a shiner in the mould of Shetan and Bhow-rabh, he was a great trekker and mountain climber. He was nicked the Cool-Kid.

10) Sepoy Cow-Shit Mamu

Another bowler in the side, he could out-fox opponents by bowling a faster delivery once in a while. Much like the legendary Venkatesh Prasad who was his idol. Sepoy Cow-Shit bowled really good slow balls and better slower balls but his normal speed delivary was his surprise weapon. He was much of surprise packet and was used to break partnerships.

However he was a decent guy though he tried to shine a lot. More in the mould of a TRYER than a SHINER. However his shining success with umpires and referees is legendary.

11) Sepoy Wobin

Sepoy Wobin was a true warrior. He could bat and bowl with great control. A good-natured guy, he was very secretive about his love life with neighbourhood girls. He always had a few surprises up his sleeve. There is a saying about him

" Wobin was a Right Man in a Wrong Team ". Often supported the Constructors led by Havaldar Biswas Halva.
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Faced with this task of defeating the Barbarians, the Anaconda King hand-picked his team to take them on. Soon this team of villagers came to be called as the Bananas and the clash came to be known as Battle of the Bs. Anaconda King himself decided to take on the mantle of Captainship.

* remember this is not an exact replica of Lagaan.

1) Bhuvan (Captain) : Rohit Bheja-Puri the Anaconda King

The Anaconda King was definitely the best batsman and bowler of the side. None could even hope to come close to him. The greatness of his batting was that he never felt the necessity to use a bat.

2) Lakha (Wood-Cutter & Betrayer) : Fun-Ali Dholey

Fun-Ali was an attacking batsman of the side.

3) Bagha (Mute Drummer) : Jerry Hall

Jerry is another hard-hitting batsman. She uses all her strength to send the ball sailing well beyond the ropes.

4) Kachra (Sweeper) : Mister Paad

Mister Paad is an unlikely hero. A spinning sensation, he could mesmerize a batsman, just like Shane Warne used to. He had this unique ritual before he came in to bowl, he would dance around at the start of the run-up jiggling his butt. That gave the momentum to spin the ball like a Top.

5) Ismail (Potter) : Shetan Shah

A classic batsman, he was the second best batsman in the side after Ananconda King. Elegance was the hall-mark of his batting.

6) Arjan (Blacksmith) : Gwati the 'Naughty' Faat-kar

She was also a hard-hitting batsman and could smash the ball way out of the ground. She had the stamina of a mountian goat and could run like a cheetah between wickets.

7) Ishwar Kaka (Vaid) : Mona Darling

Mona Darling is the wicketkeeper and a decent batsman at best.

8) Guran (Fortune Teller) : Bini the bunny

Wild with both bat and ball, bini is unpredictable. Capable of taking a coupple of wickets, she had a strange batting style. However she was an excellent fielder as you will see later in the story.

9) Deva (Sikh) : Genie Patel

A good all rounder, Genie was an excellent cricketer. She was the only one with some cricketing back-ground as she came from Mary-Gaon a place where cricket was played. She came to the Land of Bananas to help the poor villagers against their evil rulers.

10) Bhura (Murgi-Wala) : Nun-ki the 'Funky' ka-Nokia

Good at catching chickens, Nun-ki was a fielder who bowled a bit. A la Jonty Rhodes, she was an excellent fielder much like bini.

11) Goli (Farmer) : Bhow-rabh

The second best bowler in the side after Anaconda King, he was an attacking pace bowler who had put fear into the hearts of many a batsman.

Umpire :-

1) Colonel Love-Kick Chutney : the unsuccessful detective and also one of our loyal friends left after the Lonavala trip.

2) Colonel Purr-Aag Kanan-De : Quiet Skeleton

The Captain Langur the Cheapu had given the villagers 3 months to prepare for the match. Initially the villagers had some reservations about taking on the Barbarians but Bhow-rabh and Shetan cleared those out. The real problem was that the villagers didn't know how to play the game. As we said earlier the only game they played was Gilli-Anaconda.


KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTRY OF ROSE (RACHEL SHELLEY) aka ASS-MITA

The Captain had a gorgeous sister. No number of adjectives could ever completely describe her pulchritude. She was as beautiful as a lotus growing in a dirty pond. Indeed she stood out as an exception in this gang of ugly Barbarians. She also had a heart of Gold. She believed in equality of all humans and was against her brother's exploitation of the poor pheasants of the Land of Bananas. When she heard about the challenge she knew that this would not be a fair fight and was of the opinion that her brother was doing something wrong. Believing that the villagers should get a fair chance to defend themselves, she decided to oppose her brother and going against his wishes she made up her mind to help the poor villagers. And the best way to help them was to help them learn the game of Cricket.

The villagers were delighted. Now at least they could learn something about the game and at least fight the Barbarians on even terms. So the over-joyous villagers and especially Bhow-rabh and Shetan accepted her with both hands and ..... Now the moment that the Anaconda King laid his eyes on her, he fell head and heels in love with her. Soon enough the Anaconda King and his faithful Anaconda be-cum a slave of her beauty but both (King and his Anaconda) couldn't quite convey their feelings. On the other hand Bhow-rabh and Shetan who were always looking out for a chance did the needful .......


KAHANI MEIN DUSRA TWIST : THE BETRAYAL

As we mentioned earlier, Captain Langur's team had a very special player, Corporal Tanan Bandit. Well what can we say about her. We have already mentioned her characteristic traits in an above paragraph. Corporal Tanan was a loquacious person and very beautiful. She had created quite an effect in the Barbarian team when she had first joined them. Captain Langur, Sepoy Kulal and Sepoy Bullu Di Chaddi had gone weak in their knees ever since they had laid eyes on Corporal Tanan. Now Bullu Di Chaddi being the sweet talker that he was took her to the village canteen for a date. Sparks flew between them as they sat beside each other in the canteen. Bullu Di Chhadi and his bullu fell big time for her and he proposed to her right there in the village canteen. She promptly accepted it. Bullu Di Chaddi and his bullu were absolutely delighted. The two made a really beautiful couple.

Captain Langur also liked her a lot. But however hard he tried could never impress her. He too tried taking her to the canteen but she refused to go with him insisting that she wanted to go only with Bullu Di Chaddi. Next he tried to impress her in the Computer Labs of the village. He and his friend Lieutenant Tintin the Despo King did all they could to create feelings in Tanan's mind for Captain Langur. As the final step they tried to Console (!!!!!!!!) her. For those who do not know what "console" we are talking about here, please refer to Ankur Pal or Mohinder Chopra.

After all this the animosity between Langur and Bullu grew no bounds just like the unbounded buffer algorithm.

On the other hand Lakha (from the Bananas) urf Fun-Ali also started having feeling for Bullu. She wanted him so desperately that she did not mind betraying her friends and team-mates. She was just mad about him and his irresistible hair.

(According to us they make a good HAIRY couple .)

However seeing him going around with Tanan made her shake with fury. One day when her in-built delay flip flop was not working, she came up with a brilliant plan. While the preparations for the match were going on Funali secretly approached Bullu along the approach vector and normal to the normal vector and confided in Bullu. She had a deal for him. She agreed to give the Banana team's strategy and game plan for the match. Not only that she would throw away her wicket quickly and also mis-field purposely.

But she had condition !!!

Bullu was told to part from Tanan and to accept her with all his mind and soul. Bullu was now in a dilemma. It was a choice between his love for Tanan and his love for the Team. He decided to help the team. For him, his team was a priority and so he parted away with Tanan.

Seeing all this enraged Pom Pom Ponty ( kyooooo? ) because he had feelings for Funali. Captain Langur and Sepoy Kulal who were already enraged with Sepoy Bullu decided to help Ponty in his evil designs. One day when Sepoy Bullu was travelling in a train, Pom Pom Ponty injured him in a one to one mortal combat. Poor Bullu was left with an injured left hand.


KAHANI MEIN TWIST : THE MATCH

Continued in Lagaan - The Match.


- Compiled and Edited by Ketan & Sourabh