Kaho Na Paad Hai

We are back again with a new story and a new cast. This story, basically has two protagonists, Miss Gwati Faat-kar and our very own Mister Paad the Casanova. Well this story is about love, about relationships, humour, violence but the main feature about this 'kahani' is the climax. So fasten your seat-belts as we take you through a roller coaster ride. Ladies, Gentlemen and Bhai, Bhow-rabh and Shetan productions present to you - "KAHO NA PAAD HAI".

Now let me introduce the characters.

CHARACTER NO.1: MISS GWATI FAAT-KAR : AMEESHA PATEL

Well what can I say about her. Once upon a time there was a very sweet, caring girl called Gwati who just enjoyed life. Helpful by nature, she devoted her life to helping her needy friends. She was very calm as a person and would never get annoyed. (The one exception being when she smacked 'Bhow-rabh' with a Bruce-Lee chop when he compared her new dress to his curtains.)

Now Gwati was also very sporting by nature, she supported the home team in all of it's fixtures (cricket and football) against devilish opponents. However she failed to turn up on the Sport's Day (B.E) when her friends needed her the most.

/* All their dancing skills in the midst of the cricket field went waste, because there wasn't a single girl to watch their antics. */

But she had good friends, and they willingly forgave her for not coming to cheer them up. Her friends really cared for her, and she is lucky to have such friends.

Now, Gwati is a great trekker. She is probably the female version of the great Edmund Hillary. Maybe she was a 'Sherpa' in her last birth. But Gwati has reached Great Heights in her aspiration to be the best mountaneer in this world. There is no peak (and I mean no "peak") she hasn't yet conquered. Such is her "Prowess".

Gwati has an amazing personality. Charming and modest, she makes guys dance to her tunes. Such was her charisma that even the most inert of guys, Bhai (Mr. Bheja-puri) made a "pass" on her !!!! This happened when he was requesting her for a steplar during the FE exams. But being one of the few practical and sensible girls in BE-3 she was not to be fooled by Bhai's cute looks and his enormous "anaconda". She very well knew the devil inside him. (Please note that I'm talking about the devil inside him and not the one inside his pants) This incident made such an impact on Bhai that he solely relied on his "right" hand.

But Gwati, being of such a nice nature forgave Bhai. She befriended kind hearted and decent fellows like Shetan and Bhow-rabh (who are mistakenly considered evil by quiet a few). They are such good friends, they are always there to help her when she needs them. Gwati was indeed such a 'good friend' that the definition of a friend was "Gwati" in those days. Infact she was the ideal friend a person could ever hope for.

CHARACTER NO.2 : MISTER PAAD

You all must be knowing about Mister Paad. I have delved into detail about him in the story titled "Tale Of A Casanova". But let me elaborate on this cartoon piece. When he arrived on the scene, he was a very good, friendly guy with a smile girls would die for. An aura of innocence surrounded him. He had a butt even Jennifer Lopez would envy. An easy to approach and good-natured guy, he had no airs about him. All his good friends just loved him.

Then one day he fell under the company of the wicked Threesome -->

1. The Cheapo Langur,
2. Pom-Pom Ponty and
3. Despo Bhand or the Tiltilating Tintin

The change these guys brought in this earthly guy was mind-bogling (though knee-bogling for Bullu and Fun-Ali). Now Mister Paad was no longer the fun-guy anymore. He had a devilish look about him. A sinister looking wicked grin lit up his face. His eyes became fiery with passion, they could burn charcoal just by looking at it. The look of a despo (Bhand alias Tintin), the grin of a maniac (Ponty) and the behaviour of a demented mind (Langur). Mister Paad had inherited all the worst qualities of the trio. Mister Paad was now a cheapo like Langur, a hopeless dare-devil like Ponty and an unsuccessful despo like Bhand(Tintin). He began to see DEFECTS (though not that big) in his male friends.

He just fell in lust for women-kind. Women drove him crazy, there was nothing else he could think off. He drooled night and day over them. Oops, I think I got it wrong, he drooled over them in daytime, it's beyond the decency of this Yahoo-group to specify what he did at night-time. But all I can say is that Mister Paad performed a lot of 'Potential Infant'icide. Mister Paad had now become a full fledged 'Shiner' and ironically started calling himself 'Casanova'. Ok now lets head to the Main Story.

KAHANI : THE BEGINNING

This is long before Mr Paad fell in for the sinister clutches of Boni. He was yet to come under her Magical Spell. Gwati, Cheapo Langur, Bugs Bunny and our very own Mr Paad were rehearsing for the very first time for a dance performance in the college festival. What a combination !!! A wannabe Michael Jackson, a Clumbsy Oaf, an energetic rabbit and an athletic trekker cumming together for a Dance competition is a marvel to watch. A mixture of Salsa, Break-dance, Cabaret, Hindi Movie ishtyle abdominal jerks, Twists (especially the one Mister Paad performed), Kangaroo hops and Ball Dance was what they intended to perform. A perfect mixture to show-case your talents. Now while doing a Ball-Dance, the moment Gwati touched Paad, an electric current flowed through Paad (since it was the first time any girl had touched him in his entire life). This distorted the magnetic field of his brain. He lost the control of his grey cells. And began to act like a lustful maniac out on the loose.

He started his own brand of cheap P.J's which could even frustrate GOD himself. Listening to Mister Paad's humour was like being sent to a Concentration Camp. He also started liking Gwati and turned into a even bigger despo surpassing Bhand by miles. Bhand was left astonished as Mister Paad soon became the 'Betaaj Badshah' of Despo-giri. He mistaked Gwati's friendliness as a kind of a positive vibe. His mental disintegration now complete, Mister Paad became like a man possesed.

/* but he truth is that he does not possess (have) anything. Please do not take the wrong meaning */

He be-cum(came) bolder and bolder just like the Colorado Boulders (this is an example of the level of P.J's which Mister Paad cracked)

Gwati being such a good friend didn't object to all this which sent wrong signals to Mister Paad. Mister Paad was ready to pounce the moment he got an oppurtunity. But he was yet till unsure of his fate. But Mister Paad had good friends and they tolerate him and his jokes because they still like him. Mister Paad is lucky to have such friends. He should invite them to his house and serve them with good food to cover up for all the pain he has inflicted upon them throughout the four years they have known him.

KAHANI MEIN TWIST : ENTER FREE-DICK LOTION (Hrithik Roshan)

Before Mister Paad could do anything lighting struck, and the unexpected happened. Not even in his wildest imagination, could Mister Paad have dreamt of such a thing. Gwati fell full-time for Free-Dick(I dont know what she saw in him). She started day-dreaming during lectures, would walk in circles all day long, and would call up every number in the phone-directory and ask if "Free-Dick was home". She started talking out loud to herself and would laugh suddenly looking at a wall to her own private joke. She would sing love songs during crash courses and Ball dance with her sweater imagining it to be Free-Dick Lotion. She stopped helping her friends and would get angry very easily especially on poor Bhow-rabh and Shetan her two really good friends. She smacked Bandru a hundred times in a fit of rage when all he had done was not to allow her to enter class for a few minutes. Her entire attitude in life changed. She would take wrong meaning of even the most harmless of terms used by 'Seedha Sadha' guys like Shetan and Bhow-rabh. She had changed completely.

Now Free-Dick was a guy whom even the apes/gorillas won't mate. Yet Gwati saw something in him. ( As a matter of fact he has nothing as compared to Bhai. The ratio Bhai % Free-Dick = infinity since infinity(Bhai) divided by anything is infinity OR something divided by zero(Free-Dick) is infinity ).

He lured Gwati onto the beaches of Candyman And Chocobar where they sang and danced love duets, went for scuba-diving, drank coconut water, danced with tribals around caldrons (full of boiling vegetables and people), ran around vast empty beaches, locked and unlocked themselves at Kala-pani.

But in his heart Free-Dick was a cruel man. He felt that women are no good than tissue-paper which is exactly oppposite to what Paad thinks.(Infact Paad uses the same tissue-paper every mo(u)rning). He liked to treat women like dirt. But Gwati who was completely bowled over by him, failed to notice this. While they were cruising alone on a cruise-liner somewhere on the Indian Ocean Free-Dick thought that he had an opening(I mean opportunity you naughty people and not that kind of opening). But by that time Gwati had realised this other side (evil) of this Free-Dick chimp

/* sorry to all the chimps in the world, we will not humiliate you again by comparing you to Free-Dick Lotion */

So he decided to pounce on Gwati and went in for the kill. But Free-Dick eventhough a muscular man and much stronger than Gwati didn't realize that he had a weakness. A weakness that no woman in this world has. So before he could do anything, Gwati kicked his weakness ("OUT KIYA") which left Free-Dick aghast (muh mein akhrod aa gaya). She then threw him in the open ocean where the sharks caught hold his weakness and removed it once and for all. An evil was finally destroyed. We should all thank the Sharks (though the sharks died soon after). May You Rest In Peace, Sharks.

After this incident Gwati realised what a great mistake she had done and returned to her senses. Now she is a good girl once again. No double meanings. She is back to her old helpful sweet self. In an online conference she finally called Free-Dick as hopeless using two facts

1. All guys are hopeless.
2. Free-Dick is a guy.

Using predicate logic in Artificial Intelligence, we can easily prove that Free-Dick is hopeless. Anyway even now she doesn't have any feeling for Mister Paad. But Gwati should realize that Mister Paad minus all his bad qualities (which leaves a null set) is still a good guy and is still better than Free-Dick Lotion.

Since only four days are left we ask her "Kaho Na Paad Hai".

- Edited and Compiled by Sourabh / Ketan